You know your tired when

of all things, changing a cat litter box makes you hungry.

Earlier tonight, I was as I like to tell my cat family, cleaning their bathrooms (aka litter boxes). I entirely dumped out the old cat litter into a garbage bag and then took the tray to the the sink and prepared it to be scrubbed out. (I'm super cautious, I don't scoop litter out, I empty and replace after cleaning).

While I was scrubbing out the second one, I noticed a strange feeling coming over me. Stopping for a minute, I began analyzing what that feeling was and to my astonishment/embarrassment realized it was hunger pangs. I had to laugh as I realized the significance of what I was doing. Cleaning out a litter box that our cats do their business in was making me hungry for food. Strange very strange.

Not sure what to make of it. Maybe after a goodnight sleep it will become clear but right now, who knows.

Pleasant dreams everyone

You never know who you'll meet when...

you are taking out the garbage. You see with Monday being a holiday (in lieu of Sunday being the actual day), our garbage day is one day later this week.

Well, while organizing the recycling bins, I met up with our mail-person (it is actually a man, but in these days of political correctness) who had just started delivering today's mail on our block.

Of course, being polite, we spoke to each other and as he noticed my Edmonton Eskimos shirt, he asked if I was an Edmonton fan. I said I was and was startled by his response.

He said "Me too, I can't stand the Lions." and before I could respond he was on his way down our street delivering the mail to our neighbors.

And I realized as I came into the house that yes this was Friday and anything unusual that happens to me can and does happen either on a Friday or a Monday

My take on the Chris Benoit tragedy

While a lot of people continue to speculate that the horrific acts committed against Nancy and Daniel Benoit by Chris Benoit were the result of steroid usage, I disagree.

Something in this whole thing is fishy to me. For example when Chris's co-workers received the now famous text messages, why weren't the police notified immediately. Why did the WWE wait so long especially when one of the co-workers stated that Chris's "I love you" comment was out of character.

Based on the following timeline; http://www.impactwrestling.com/Content.aspx?ID=12011

I have a strong feeling that Vince McMahon and the WWE organization are covering up their involvement (?) in this tragedy.

For one thing, Chris's Wikipedia entry was changed at 12:01am on Monday June 25th, way before anyone knew what had happened to him and his family.

Now all of sudden, there is an anonymous poster admitting he was the one who changed the entry, during a chat with other online buddies. Still to even speculate that Nancy was dead as the reason behind Chris' no show at the PPV event in Texas on Sunday June 24th, is odd to me. You see the posting was made from an IP address in Stanford, Connecticut, where WWE's head office is located. And why is this anonymous poster refusing to identify himself, (I know if I did something like that, I would own up to it and identify myself). Could it be that he was an employee of the WWE and is now being set up as the fall guy.

Although the toxicology reports are not in as yet, my feelings about the tragedy are that Chris Benoit is being set-up to be the fall guy/scapegoat for this.

My take on this is, yes Daniel was developmentally challenged (he was seven years old and just finishing kindergarten? Most kids his age, would be ready to enter grade 2). I have a feeling that Chris had promised Nancy that when Daniel did start school he (Chris) would be home more to help (any pictures I've seen of Chris and Daniel together show a father who doted on his little boy), and I don't think Vince or the WWE board were too happy about that, especially since they wanted Chris to help train younger wrestlers on ECW (where he had just been transferred to).

So I have a feeling that Vince or someone on the board perhaps, took matters into their own hands and decided to send someone (goons, perhaps) down to reason with Chris (may even have included Chavo Guerrero, who knows) and convince him his career was more important than his family. This would explain the presence of the empty wine bottle and beer cans.


Something else that bothers me. Daniel was choked by a wrestling hold and yet Nancy was strangled with a wire around her neck (hands and feet were bound). If Chris was as strong as everybody claimed why not do the same thing to both of them.

My gut instinct says this is actually what happened. Chris gets a phone call from Nancy to return home because of "an emergency". He does and finds the goons sitting with his wife and son. The goons deliver the message from the WWE. Chris tells them to tell whoever sent the message, to take a long walk off a short pier, his family comes first. At some point Daniel is taken out of the room (was he drugged, who knows) and Chris is forced to watch as the goons kill Nancy. They then give Chris another chance to fulfill his obligations to the WWE. He again tells them to go to Hades and later that day is either forced to (perhaps at gun point) kill Daniel himself or watch as it is done. Then Chris is ganged upon again, the goons telling him, he has now has no reason not to continue with the WWE. Chris tells them, not only is he leaving the WWE, he will go public with what's happened. So, the goons (may have received further instructions) that if Chris still refuses to co-operate, off him and make it look like a suicide.

Chris was found hanging from one of his weight machines. Most weight machines I know about work on pulleys and the person using them is in front of the weights pulling on them. How would Chris be able to hold the weights in place while he fixed the rope around himself, and then let go. Something strange about that whole scenario.

And the steroids found in the house. I'll bet they were ordered over the Net by someone using Chris Benoit's name (don't forget about ID theft).

No, unfortunately the true answers about this tragedy will never come out, and quite possibly a man who was innocent of doing this, will take the blame for something he had nothing to do with, other than putting them as priority number 1 in his life.

I'm so angry I could chew wood and spit nails

It turns out that I was right about the subject of my previous post. Diane (my biological Mother[unfortunately for me]) did know that my Great Aunt Win was in a care facility and for whatever unacceptable reason chose not to tell either Gram or myself. So we were the only ones who didn't know. Nicely done people. And now you know why, I hardly ever discuss my family other than Gram. Most of people are proud of their families, not me. I'm so pissed off right now I wish I had a couple of 2 x 4 pieces of wood to chew on, if for no other reason than to spit the nails at my so called family.

This makes me wonder if the situation were reversed and it was my late Grandfather, still living and my Grandmother who had passed, would the family be pulling the same stunts and worse being allowed to get away with them. Because as of right now, my Grandmother's attitude is one of "What I don't know won't hurt me." Hard to say if the family would still do it, but I suspect they would if they could.

I know I shouldn't let this bother me as much as I do, but it does for one good reason. Diane and Gary (my Uncle) both had exactly the same upbringing I did and yet I'm the only to remember what it all was.

At least now I know my decision is clear. Once my duties to Gram are done, and I have my share of her estate, *poof* I am out of this family, and as far away from them as possible. Until then, I know I must spend as little time with them as possible so as not to become contaminated by whatever illness has befallen them.

Fed Up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's right, I am fed up with my entire family. Ever since March of this year, they have kept the news that my Great Aunt Win was no longer living in her home, but instead residing in a care facility from both my Grandmother (her sister-in-law) and myself.

Gram and I didn't find out until we were notified of her passing 1 week ago tomorrow. To say I was shocked was a mild understatement. I pretended as though I had known, just to keep my short-fused temper in check, but believe me, I'm hurt by this and I know Gram is too.

At this point, I am lumping my Mother in with the bunch that kept it from us. I have e-mailed her (she's in a different part of the country for the summer), to ask if she was aware and so far she is avoiding answering the question (which says to me until she says otherwise, she knew as well).

When confronted about it on the trip home from the service, My Uncle said "I thought you guys knew." No apologies, just that statement. It feels like Gram and I are no longer part of the family (and yet Gram is the matriarch of our clan).

This was just the latest in a series of events that have made it clear to me that once my responsibilities to Gram are complete, I want to get out of here and as far away from this family as possible (if I could change my name I would). Even at family functions, Gram and I are not included in the conversation. Instead it centers on the stock market (my cousin is training to work in that field). Gram and I are just wallpaper as far as that side of the family is concerned. It has been like that since the passing almost one year ago of my cousin's Mother-in-law.

That's fine though, because after the incident on Wednesday, where Gram got car sick, because my stubborn Uncle thought he knew a better way than I did to get to My Great Aunt's funeral, I saw our Doctor yesterday (Gram and I both have the same GP). While the reason for my seeing him was routine, the discussion was anything but. When I told him what happened, his response was to take a strip off me up one side and down the other, which I still feel I deserved for not being a better caregiver for Gram on the Wednesday.

Our Doctor has also laid the law down. For any future family function, if Gram and I go we must use Handy-Dart. If Handy-Dart can't get us to the location, then we don't go, and the next family function happens to be in an area that Handy-Dart doesn't go, so we can't go.

Our Doctor also hit the roof when he found out that the family had kept us from knowing about Aunt Win's current living arrangements. I wonder how big of an extra hole in back side he would have ripped, had he known we had kept Gram from knowing one of her Great-granddaughters had tried to commit suicide (another post entirely).

More to come rest assured, but right now, I'm too PO'd to write much more.

Tough Day...

Today turned out to be a lot tougher than I thought. While it was the 63rd anniversary of D-day (June 6, 1944), for myself and other members of my extended family, this was also the day we said our final goodbyes to Aunt Win (the subject of my previous post).

The day started innocently enough. I got woken at around 4am my time by my fur-babies (another post entirely) and after feeding them, and letting Mom Cat out for her Mommy moment, sat down in the living room watching them and trying to plan what I would wear (while not a church goer in the traditional sense, I wanted to look sharp in memory of Aunt Win). Once that was done, I got Gram up, dressed and helped her with Breakfast. After that, I applied her make-up, finished getting ready and then all that was needed was for my Uncle to pick us up.

As we got into the car, I was prepared to let him handle the directions himself (he has lived in this city for nearly 40 years, so I assumed he would know what he was doing, without any back seat driving from me). Brother was I wrong with absolutely disastrous results. What should have been a smooth 1/2 hr drive from our place to the church where services were held, took 45 minutes and the most convoluted way of getting to a place I have ever seen in my life. (*growling at memory*) See, I had been at this same church several years ago for the funeral of my Great Uncle Cecil, as well as having worked in the area. I should have gone with my original plan which was to compare notes with my Uncle before we left.

We went in so many different directions (all because my Uncle was using a computerized map from Google [*growling again*]) and refusing help (stubborn fool), that by the time we arrived, Gram who is not used to long car trips anymore had gotten car sick. She goes in Handy-Dart. We thought of canceling out and returning home, but by the saving grace of yours truly we were able to keep our commitment. You see, because of the weather here (overcast and drizzly), I had put Gram's raincoat on her before I left, doing it up with the buttons, to keep her warm. So when she got sick at the stomach, it was on the raincoat not what she was wearing. Well, we got inside, and paid our respects. It was quite the lovely service, complete with Aunt Win's favorite hymn's and scripture. I felt for my cousins though. Three of them got up to speak and it was all they could do to hold back the tears. You see Aunt Win was like a Second Mother to them (their own one being no picnic---another blog entry perhaps) and her loss was still hitting them quite hard. I was proud of myself for another reason, I was worried about keeping it together, but I shouldn't have been. Aunt Win was more than just my Great Aunt, she was also a terrific friend and a tireless supporter of whatever I chose to do.

Well because of what happened to Gram before we arrived, Uncle Gary and I made the decision to skip the reception, trying to prevent a possible repeat performance on the way home. And this is the other part that is making me PO'd right now. By passing up the reception it meant that Gram didn't get to see her nieces and nephews from her late husband's side of the family. All because my Uncle had to been a stubborn twit and do things his way, including complaining about how the map was screwed up every two seconds, instead of asking for help. I kept dropping hints that I knew where we were from having worked in the area, but the stubborn fool wouldn't accept them.

Two hard lessons I have learned from this day. 1) Never again will I get in the car when my Uncle is driving without comparing notes to ensure we have the quickest way possible to get to our destination and: 2) Anytime Gram and I have to go somewhere for a family function, instead of relying on my idiotic family to pick us up, I will personally track down the destination information and book Handy-Dart.

Anyway, this isn't a day to be complaining on. This is the day where we celebrate the life of a wonderful person.

Win E. 1912-2007 R.I.P. You will be missed but never forgotten

Guilt...

Why do people always say they are going to do something and then never do it. I'm just as guilty of that as the next person, only now I have more guilt to deal with because of it.

I had a Great Aunt, who I loved very dearly and loved me unconditionally. I had phoned her a few times, just to see how she was and to let her know Gram and I were still thinking of her (she was my late Grandfather's oldest sister). Well. as usually happens, the phone calls began tapering off (my fault, not Aunt Winnie's) because as much as I wanted to phone her, something always seemed to come up. I realize now I was just using that as an excuse (I have always hated phoning people) to not phone her.

Yah, I would think about doing it, but then something else would come up, and I'd forget to do it. Well now I no longer have to worry about doing it. You see my Great Aunt died today. And now I have to live with the guilt I feel inside for not picking up the phone, just one more time, even if it was only to say hello.

Please let this be a reminder to all of us, no matter how busy we are. If you have elderly relatives or relatives that you hardly speak too, call them up and just say hello. It's a lot easier to do that, than to have to deal with the guilt by not doing it

Double Standard

Is there a double standard when it comes to rape and incest that says it can't happen to a man or that a man should be able to take better care of himself, including being able to escape the abusive situation. You wouldn't think so, but I'm seeing a situation develop that is forcing me to rethink my views on that.

Should there be? IMHO, no. Victims of abuse (physical, sexual, incestuous) are just that victims, and because of that gender should not play a role in whether probing questions are asked.

I belong to an online group (names of it, and people involved are being withheld for privacy reasons). We have a case where a male member needs help because of being a victim of sexual abuse. When he came to the group seeking help, he notified and explained to the hosts only (which I have no problem with) the details of his horrific situation.

Yet as I attempted to tactfully offer him moral support while he struggles to recover from the horror he has gone through (feeling that in time he would be able to talk about what happened without becoming emotional), I watched with dread as another member without IMHO meaning too, come across as rather demanding in wanting to know the circumstances surrounding his request for help.

I mentioned this to one of the hosts in private, trying to encourage the hosts to require the use of a bit more diplomacy and tact, because it is a difficult issue to talk about, only to see the opposite happen. Is it because the victim in this incident is a man, who is according to definition supposed to be the strong one, the provider, able to look after himself. I wonder if a female member of that group asked for help citing the same reasons, would members be more sympathetic, or would they still demand the same type of answers. I honestly don't know. One thing I do know is while the questions may be legitimate ones, we must remember we are not the victim and respect his right to privacy, especially if he is not ready not to have to discuss things with the public. IMHO that is one reason so many victims do not come forward, because they are made to feel it was their fault, they brought this on themselves, etc.

And of course, the other part of the equation is this. What if the member turns out to be a fraud. Well, it will be a lesson well learned for me.

Regardless of whether this member is telling the truth or not, I still stand by an old saying "You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar." Meaning should this member be a fraud, to encourage him to post the material that would trip him up is better than driving him away by being too rough.

Just my opinion.

I need to switch gears for a minute...

and stop complaining about my Mother. Not to worry, I will get back to that subject (because there is still so much more to tell).

Right now though, I need to express my thoughts on an entirely different subject.

Picture it if you will. A small town in Alberta, Canada. Date, early 1970's. A young girl is in elementary school, when she notices another young girl, who is actually trying not to be noticed. Soon, the two become fast friends and even the teachers notice the difference in both girls. Sure, there are days when the one girl is not in school for whatever reason, it didn't matter then and it doesn't matter now. All that mattered was the girls knew that each would be there for the other, no matter what.

Come forward two years, the two girls were now in juinor high, facing the problems most teenagers face. Unbeknownst to anyone, not even the young girl who had befriended her, the other girl faced more than just the problems teenagers face. She was living in a nightmare at home as well. Then one day, when the two girls had plans to spend the day together (ironically, on a day their report cards were issued), the other girl realized what was going on, as the father of the young girl who missed school on different occasions sometimes for days at a time, saw the report card and for a split-second, his peaceful demeanor changed.

Now come forward 25 years. By this time, the two girls had lost touch. although one never stopped thinking about the other. And the picture has changed from a small town in Alberta, Canada to a larger one in British Columbia, Canada. Very early one morning one of the girls got a phone call, she had never stopped hoping for. It was the childhood friend, she cared so much about. And to the delight of both, the friendship resumed as though it had never been interrupted in the first place.

Yes that story was about me and a very dear friend. And the father who facade changed that fateful day. He had been physically abusing the daughter. Little did I know to what extent until I began reading some of her journal entries. I am choosing not to name the friend at this point, because she didn't know I was going to do this and I have always had a policy of not naming people by name without their permission.

I post this because I want the friend to know, how much she means to me and how much I wish I could have done more to help her during those 25 years we were apart.

As with my other posts, this too will be continued.

Happy Friday and I wish everyone a good weekend.

And yah, I forgot the best part...

On Monday, I decided to let Mom cook supper. Don't worry I was sous-chef, so all burners were turned off as we finished using them.

Well, she made Pasta Primivera (we actually didn't have all the ingredients we needed for the dish we were going to do, so we improvised). Well, she used our giant pot (normally used for corn on the cob or large amounts of mashed potatoes) to cook the pasta for three of us. No problem with using it, she just has a problem cleaning it. Mind you it only had water, a bit of salt, and a few drops of olive oil, so it wasn't overly dirty. So it sat until today when she tried sneaking it into the dishwasher. It fits but it causes a problem with the upper rack. So while she was out, I whipped it out of the dishwasher and within 3 minutes had it washed, rinsed, dried and put away.

Many of you may not know this, but I am a fan of the TV series "How Clean is Your House?" Well after the few cleaning mishaps we have had with Mother, I can just picture one of the stars of that show, namely Kim Woodburn taking a strip off my Mother up one side and down the other for some of her antics.

I truly feel if all Dictionaries, (not just for children) were Picture Dictionaries, you could find a picture of my Mother under the definition of sheer laziness.

And I haven't even mentioned, her spray painting job on our fridge.

That will be my next tale of disaster.

Until then, may I wish all of you a pleasant evening

And Brother does it get better....

or should that be Mother does it get worse.

Where to start today. I think I mentioned she is dangerous around fire-related objects. That is true even of the clothes dryer. I made the mistake of going out on Tuesday and letting her and the gal that comes in to give me some respite care with looking after my Grandmother do the laundry. The laundry wasn't the problem, it was when it got put in the dryer. Neither of them thought to check or empty the lint catcher, which when I went to use the dryer today was so full of lint, it was actually falling off the catcher.

Okay, I can live with that, because I will always check the lint catcher (I guess I'll just have to remember to do it before allowing her to use the dryer), but it was only the start of things to come.

I mentioned in an earlier post about her making plans to see one of our cousins in a remote part of the province and how I had spent twenty minutes showing her the links and sites she needed to use. Well, she tried it on her own computer today and had to have me come into her bedroom and reshow her because she was having a problem. A problem that was very obvious to me as soon as I saw what she had done. She had been using a search engine and had selected pages from Canada instead of letting the search engine do its work, and couldn't figure out why it wasn't working. I haven't told her yet that when searching for a Canadian company which provides services for International tourists, you do not search strictly in Canada.

Right now I wish I had an emoticon that showed a person banging its head against a brick wall, because that is what I feel I am doing when it comes to my Mother.

The clincher was when I began using our Microwave to thaw out some homemade Chili for supper. I don't mind the fact that occasionally Mom will interrupt it to warm up her cup of coffee. What I do mind is when that is finished, is her not putting it back or giving me a heads up so I can restart it.

I quizzed her about that tonight when she returned from doing some errands, (and surprised myself by not losing my temper). Her answer almost made me say something sarcastic however. She replied by apologizing and saying that she "she wasn't with it." Well for those of you who know my relationship with my biological mother, yes was tempting to say "when are you ever with it!!!", but for Gram's sake and mine, I kept my mouth shut.

Still more fun to come, you can rest assured of that.

Have you ever had the urge to ask

someone famous (either living or dead) a question. More often than not lately I am finding I would. And the person I would like to question is the world famous author, Mr. Fyodor Dostoesvsky. I would love to know how when he wrote his favorite work, THE IDIOT, he was able to use my Mother as his inspiration. You see, she hadn't even been thought of yet, and neither had my Grandparents. So how did he know to write about her.

The latest disasters were tonight. I made the mistake of letting her back around the stove, because she wanted to cook dinner. Thankfully, the meal was pre-made (it was a store bought pizza), but still, I have to know better than to let her anywhere near fire. She lit the oven fine and the pizza (with black olives and mushrooms added courtesy of my Mother---yes she's safer around sharp objects) cooked fine. The problem developed when she took the pizza out of the oven. She forgot to turn the oven off. AAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHH. Oh well, I suppose it could have been worse. The only way we found out about it was because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get the rest of the house to warm up. See, our stove/oven is gas fired as is our furnace, so whenever the oven is used, it takes all the heat and the rest of the house gets cold.

The other problem is she is planning on going to visit our cousin in a remote area of this province. Well, they gave her instructions on what to do to get there (other than by driving), but she couldn't figure them out. It took me almost twenty minutes to get through to her by using my computer and internet connections (thank heavens for password protection) and show her the sites and what she needs to do to find her way.

I have said it before and I'll say it again. WHAT IS THIS FAMILY OF MINE GOING TO DO WITHOUT ME!!!!

More to come rest assured of that.

One other thing on the subject of my previous post

Not only had Mother dearest turned on the oven without lighting it, but she also managed to blow out a pilot lite that lites one of the burners on the stove and couldn't figure out why it wouldn't stay lit after she had relit it. AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH. She means well I know, but heaven help us if she doesn't do a mischief to either Gram or I.

Stay tuned

Don't let Adults around fire producing objects...

We always tell kids not to play with matches or fire. Well I think someone forgot to tell the adults the same thing, especially when the adults don't know what in blazes (pardon the pun) they are doing.

My Mother (who would forget her head if it wasn't attached) in an effort to make things nice for my Grandmother, has been cleaning up Gram's house. I would have done it (except for reasons I am choosing not to divulge at this time). Well today, Mother dearest was cleaning the stove, and managed for reasons I still don't understand to just barely turn on the oven, so the house was filling up with the smell of leaking gas. It took until I came out of my bedroom before I discovered the cause of the problem. I don't know how long it had been like that but it was long enough let me tell you.

For those of you reading this blog who know of the personal issues between my Mother and myself, let me just add, "I knew when she came home from her summer sabbatical my work load would double!!!!!"

More to come let me tell you.

Yes Virginia, there is a solution to help stamp out

abuse and I am surprised no one has thought of it sooner. Maybe because it is too obvious.

This can help not only victims of physical abuse but those who have been sexually abused as well.

The solution is to get enough known survivors of childhood physical and sexual abuse for two groups. Ensure there is a good mix of both types in each group. (Example. If the total amount of participants is 20---then two groups of 10).

One group is the control group, that group gets anything and everything medically available to assist with the healing process.

The other group is the test group. This group receives no medical help at all.

Track both groups until each study member has reached the predetermined age of adulthood. (lets say you track the groups from the age of 14 until the participants have all reached the age of 25).

If this works, it should show the likelihood of abuse victims becoming abusers and start the process of healing victims at a young age. Thereby you ensure that a suitable treatment plan for each victim of abuse is in place to help the healing process.

And if you notice, I still haven't involved the Child Protective Service Agencies (whatever they are called in each region). I'll explain why later.

Comments? Questions?

The suggestions in the following link are nothing...

more than a band-aid solution.

http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/01062006/2/xhealth-75-cent-women-shelters-risk-murdered-study.html

What the study authors are suggesting will do nothing to protect women/or men from the abusive partner. Instead of telling governments they need to fix the legal system so that those who abuse are dealt with as criminals, they are saying "give us more money for social housing, job assistance, etc.

It's fine to put an abuse victim into a new house, but short of a legal name change, abusers can and do still find their victims, with tragic results. And let's face it, if abusers are having difficulty locating their victims, there are private eyes who can do it for them.

No, IMHO the only solution is to treat abusers like criminals (toughen penalties and enforcement procedures). Then as soon as an abuser is charged, issue an automatic restraining order with a copy to the local police department. Then if the order is not enforced, charge the police officers with aiding and abetting a known criminal.

Mind you, there are ways around a restraining order and the abuser doesn't have to be directly involved. Guaranteed, there are sleazy private eyes who know people who will take care of things while the abuser sets up a perfect alibi. The case that comes to mind is not O.J. Simpson, but of a provincial politician here in Canada, Colin Thatcher.

He was convicted of murdering his ex-wife Joanne Wilson, and is just now getting full parole. The case was built on circumstanial evidence, and Thatcher, who still maintains his innocence, claimed he was having dinner out of town when the murder took place. Maybe he was and maybe he wasn't, but I do know this. He and his family were wealthy enough, they could have hired someone to do the deed.

Even restraining orders aren't perfect, that's why anyone accused of abuse, needs to be locked up until their trial. Stop victimizing the victims of abuse, by slapping abusers on the wrist and saying "that was naughty, don't do it again."

More to come

My dear friend SB...

has pointed out something that I didn't realize I was doing. Instead of being gender neutral in my postings, I tended to leave an impression that only members of the male sex were abusers.

That was never my intention and I do apologize for those statements. My intention was to show that both men and women can be abusers/just as both can be involved in abusive relationships.

While fathers/males get the rap for most cases of physical abuse, mothers are just as bad. However it seems that the justice system tends to find excuses to justify the females abusive tendencies (post-partum depression; depression; and any other forms of mental illness you can find.

Also while males tend to be more physically abusive, females and mothers are more emotionally abusive (you're not worthy; you'll never amount to anything; etc). And those are just the common phrases they use.

In my case, my Mother abandoned her parental responsibilities a year after I was born (she and my Father were divorced---she got custody; he never even had visitation rights). I was raised and nutured in a loving home by my Maternal Grandparents, however I still feel the sting of that abandonment all these years later.

That's why we need Parenting classes to start as early as possible and for all new Mothers, they need some sort of caregiver just after they get home from the hospital, someone who, although she is helping the new Mom adjust is also the Children's advocate, having been professionally trained to watch for signs of post-partum depression. And if a case occurs, help the new Mom to realize what's going on and what she can do to control/stop it, but at the same time protect the kids (remember Andrea Yates).

The other part of my idea, SB disagrees with is allowing police to investigate alleged incidents of abuse just on the word of a neighbor. I can see what he is getting at. For example, Neighbor A and his wife love the current arrangement of the block (no kids allowed or so they think), when all of a sudden, right next door Neighbor B moves in with 6 bratty kids all under the age of 6 years. So as way to get rid of Neighbor B, Neighbor A goes to the police and says (I think my next door neighbor is abusing his/her kids). So the police arrest Neighbor B based on that suspicion.

Here's the solution to that dilema. I don't know about the laws in Sweden, SB, but here in Canada, if it turns out Neighbor A was wrong about what Neighbor B was doing to his/her kids, then Neighbor A can face criminal charges such as criminal mischief, filing a false police report, not to mention the possibility that Neighbor B, could file a civil lawsuit against Neighbor A for defamation of character.

So IMHO if someone came across a case of child/spousal abuse and reported it, they are going to be sure of their facts based on what could happen to them if they're wrong.

To be continued, and added to in terms of elder abuse

I've been thinking....

and I realized that this discussion has been about preventing child/spousal abuse in the future, when the real crisis is how do we help those members of society who are being abused/neglected today. That may be the only way to end abuse and abusive relationships in the future.

A friend made an interesting comment once, when she said "It takes a village to raise a child." Looking back over my formative years, I realize that statement is very true, because I was one kid who if she tried anything illegal, my grandparents would have known about it five minutes later, that's how well known I was in my neighborhood.

Ok, if the village/neighborhood is going to help a family raise its child, make it legally responsible for getting involved. There is a law in France, which makes it illegal for someone who comes upon an accident not to give assistance to those who may have been injured in that accident. A variation of that to help stamp out abuse may be, that if Neighbor A is an abuser and Neighbor B suspects that he is and doesn't report him, and as a result Neighbor A is able to kill his spouse/child(ren) then Neighbor B is charged with being an accessory after the fact.

I want to take a moment to relate an incident which still haunts me to this day. An extemely close childhood friend of mine was a victim of abuse by a parent. I knew about it and to this day, it haunts me that I didn't do anything to help end the suffering. And to make matters worse, we lived just up the street from a police officer.

That's where I see the first step to stopping abuse. Give the local police forces authority that if someone reports a suspected case abuse (either children or spouse), they can go in and investigate. No longer do they have to wait until court orders are obtained to protect a family. I know of a case right here, where a woman was in the hospital recovering from an attack by her husband and had a restraining order saying that the husband was not to come within xamount of yards of her or her family. Well, guess what, the husband violated that order, walked into the hospital, up to his wife's room and shot both her and her mother dead, before fleeing the scene. And when police finally caught up to him, he was dead of a self-inflicted wound. A copy of the restraining order was apparently attached to the woman's chart at the foot of the bed. Restraining orders don't work. What will work is putting child/spousal abuse into the criminal code with tough penalties and make abusers criminals as well as those who aid and abet them by covering things up, though not the victims.

When an abuser is caught, don't charge him with simple abuse (or whatever passes as a criminal charge these days); they need to be charged with assault or if a weapon (like a belt) is used, assault causing bodily harm and assault with a weapon. It's time to stop continuing to victimize the abuse victims and insteaad put the guilt where it belongs, at the feet of those who abuse. Secondly, once the abusers are charged, no bail, to protect the victims. Then the victims should be allowed a restraining order against the members of the abusers family to prevent retaliation for the supposed embarrassment being caused by having this go public.

Then once convicted, the maximum sentence under each charge is applied, no appeal allowed and definitely no shortening of sentences (either by appeal or time off for good behavior) should ever be allowed.

A friend on her blog, the Canuckian; http://wtg.braveblog.com has a link to a story where a judge shortened a convicted abusers sentence. Any judge who does that in the future, should be facing an automatic criminal misconduct investigation.

The only way abuse is going to be stopped is strong mandatory changes to the criminal code and the justice systems of the world.

To be continued

While we continue to debate the best course of...

action to deal with abusers and potential abusers, the statistics continue to pile up. This is a link to the latest incident;

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060528/ap_on_re_us/children_killed

And this was a Doctor; an educated man. The kids were four and eight years old.

I for one am tired of talking. We need decisive action and we need it now.

The parenting idea is good, but we can't wait until they are in their twenties before we start teaching them. Kids today are having sex as young as 14 or 15, so the high schools need to have this parenting course in place. And course cannot be taught by a teacher/adult. The best way to get through to kids is to have it be taught by other kids, kids who have been there done that and can mentor the kids who are still free from doing that.

I know for a fact that a lot of kids, who are from abusive homes, look at their first relationship with a boy as a way to break free from the abuse. Without this course, they could be going from one abusive relationship (parent) to another (spouse), simply because someone is giving them the attention they should have received from their parents.

To be continued....

So...

A couple of friends of mine Holly G.; http://rockintheboat.bravejournal.com and ShadowBear C.; http://that-loony-yid.blogspot.com have each posted comments on their blogs with regards to what I have been discussing on mine.

And while they both agree something needs to be done to curb/stop all forms of abuse (child/spousal/sexual/emotional), we still find a problem. They agree there should be parenting classes, as do I.

However, that is where the agreement stops. While I have proposed some sort of testing program to help not necessarily weed out the prospective parents who are found to be a high risk to abuse their children, but to find a solution before they and their children or spouse become another statistic, both Holly and ShadowBear have opposed that.

Which leaves me wondering how many more innocent victims of abuse must suffer before society as a whole says "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH." By choosing to remain with our heads buried in the sand and figure it is someone else's problem to deal with, IMHO I feel we are no better than Hitler's Elite SS Troops who were responsible for depriving the Jewish population of the right to live during the Holocaust, or the Serbians who murdered Muslim Men and Boys during their war in Bosnia or the Hutu's in Rwanda or the guerillas responsible for the mess in Darfur, Sudan.

Watching a two-part episode with Nobel Prize winning author Elie Wiesel on Oprah, (yesterday and today), I am struck by a very ironic statement that was made at the liberation of the concentration camp known as Auschwitz-Birkenau. The liberators and the governments of the day all said "Never again should something like the Holocaust be allowed to happen." Unfortunately Abusive relationships are still being allowed to happen just like the various groups doing ethnic cleanising are still at it. Women and children are being systemically beaten, tortured and in some cases starved to death, while society as a whole sits back and wrings its collective hands and says "What can we do to change it?"

Until we dig our heads out of the sand and say "ENOUGH!!!" and start talking and taking back the power from the abusers, nothing will be accomplished, except for a lot more hand wringing, and a lot more potential from the young people (children) lost forever.