And yah, I forgot the best part...

On Monday, I decided to let Mom cook supper. Don't worry I was sous-chef, so all burners were turned off as we finished using them.

Well, she made Pasta Primivera (we actually didn't have all the ingredients we needed for the dish we were going to do, so we improvised). Well, she used our giant pot (normally used for corn on the cob or large amounts of mashed potatoes) to cook the pasta for three of us. No problem with using it, she just has a problem cleaning it. Mind you it only had water, a bit of salt, and a few drops of olive oil, so it wasn't overly dirty. So it sat until today when she tried sneaking it into the dishwasher. It fits but it causes a problem with the upper rack. So while she was out, I whipped it out of the dishwasher and within 3 minutes had it washed, rinsed, dried and put away.

Many of you may not know this, but I am a fan of the TV series "How Clean is Your House?" Well after the few cleaning mishaps we have had with Mother, I can just picture one of the stars of that show, namely Kim Woodburn taking a strip off my Mother up one side and down the other for some of her antics.

I truly feel if all Dictionaries, (not just for children) were Picture Dictionaries, you could find a picture of my Mother under the definition of sheer laziness.

And I haven't even mentioned, her spray painting job on our fridge.

That will be my next tale of disaster.

Until then, may I wish all of you a pleasant evening

And Brother does it get better....

or should that be Mother does it get worse.

Where to start today. I think I mentioned she is dangerous around fire-related objects. That is true even of the clothes dryer. I made the mistake of going out on Tuesday and letting her and the gal that comes in to give me some respite care with looking after my Grandmother do the laundry. The laundry wasn't the problem, it was when it got put in the dryer. Neither of them thought to check or empty the lint catcher, which when I went to use the dryer today was so full of lint, it was actually falling off the catcher.

Okay, I can live with that, because I will always check the lint catcher (I guess I'll just have to remember to do it before allowing her to use the dryer), but it was only the start of things to come.

I mentioned in an earlier post about her making plans to see one of our cousins in a remote part of the province and how I had spent twenty minutes showing her the links and sites she needed to use. Well, she tried it on her own computer today and had to have me come into her bedroom and reshow her because she was having a problem. A problem that was very obvious to me as soon as I saw what she had done. She had been using a search engine and had selected pages from Canada instead of letting the search engine do its work, and couldn't figure out why it wasn't working. I haven't told her yet that when searching for a Canadian company which provides services for International tourists, you do not search strictly in Canada.

Right now I wish I had an emoticon that showed a person banging its head against a brick wall, because that is what I feel I am doing when it comes to my Mother.

The clincher was when I began using our Microwave to thaw out some homemade Chili for supper. I don't mind the fact that occasionally Mom will interrupt it to warm up her cup of coffee. What I do mind is when that is finished, is her not putting it back or giving me a heads up so I can restart it.

I quizzed her about that tonight when she returned from doing some errands, (and surprised myself by not losing my temper). Her answer almost made me say something sarcastic however. She replied by apologizing and saying that she "she wasn't with it." Well for those of you who know my relationship with my biological mother, yes was tempting to say "when are you ever with it!!!", but for Gram's sake and mine, I kept my mouth shut.

Still more fun to come, you can rest assured of that.

Have you ever had the urge to ask

someone famous (either living or dead) a question. More often than not lately I am finding I would. And the person I would like to question is the world famous author, Mr. Fyodor Dostoesvsky. I would love to know how when he wrote his favorite work, THE IDIOT, he was able to use my Mother as his inspiration. You see, she hadn't even been thought of yet, and neither had my Grandparents. So how did he know to write about her.

The latest disasters were tonight. I made the mistake of letting her back around the stove, because she wanted to cook dinner. Thankfully, the meal was pre-made (it was a store bought pizza), but still, I have to know better than to let her anywhere near fire. She lit the oven fine and the pizza (with black olives and mushrooms added courtesy of my Mother---yes she's safer around sharp objects) cooked fine. The problem developed when she took the pizza out of the oven. She forgot to turn the oven off. AAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHH. Oh well, I suppose it could have been worse. The only way we found out about it was because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get the rest of the house to warm up. See, our stove/oven is gas fired as is our furnace, so whenever the oven is used, it takes all the heat and the rest of the house gets cold.

The other problem is she is planning on going to visit our cousin in a remote area of this province. Well, they gave her instructions on what to do to get there (other than by driving), but she couldn't figure them out. It took me almost twenty minutes to get through to her by using my computer and internet connections (thank heavens for password protection) and show her the sites and what she needs to do to find her way.

I have said it before and I'll say it again. WHAT IS THIS FAMILY OF MINE GOING TO DO WITHOUT ME!!!!

More to come rest assured of that.

One other thing on the subject of my previous post

Not only had Mother dearest turned on the oven without lighting it, but she also managed to blow out a pilot lite that lites one of the burners on the stove and couldn't figure out why it wouldn't stay lit after she had relit it. AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH. She means well I know, but heaven help us if she doesn't do a mischief to either Gram or I.

Stay tuned

Don't let Adults around fire producing objects...

We always tell kids not to play with matches or fire. Well I think someone forgot to tell the adults the same thing, especially when the adults don't know what in blazes (pardon the pun) they are doing.

My Mother (who would forget her head if it wasn't attached) in an effort to make things nice for my Grandmother, has been cleaning up Gram's house. I would have done it (except for reasons I am choosing not to divulge at this time). Well today, Mother dearest was cleaning the stove, and managed for reasons I still don't understand to just barely turn on the oven, so the house was filling up with the smell of leaking gas. It took until I came out of my bedroom before I discovered the cause of the problem. I don't know how long it had been like that but it was long enough let me tell you.

For those of you reading this blog who know of the personal issues between my Mother and myself, let me just add, "I knew when she came home from her summer sabbatical my work load would double!!!!!"

More to come let me tell you.

Yes Virginia, there is a solution to help stamp out

abuse and I am surprised no one has thought of it sooner. Maybe because it is too obvious.

This can help not only victims of physical abuse but those who have been sexually abused as well.

The solution is to get enough known survivors of childhood physical and sexual abuse for two groups. Ensure there is a good mix of both types in each group. (Example. If the total amount of participants is 20---then two groups of 10).

One group is the control group, that group gets anything and everything medically available to assist with the healing process.

The other group is the test group. This group receives no medical help at all.

Track both groups until each study member has reached the predetermined age of adulthood. (lets say you track the groups from the age of 14 until the participants have all reached the age of 25).

If this works, it should show the likelihood of abuse victims becoming abusers and start the process of healing victims at a young age. Thereby you ensure that a suitable treatment plan for each victim of abuse is in place to help the healing process.

And if you notice, I still haven't involved the Child Protective Service Agencies (whatever they are called in each region). I'll explain why later.

Comments? Questions?

The suggestions in the following link are nothing...

more than a band-aid solution.

http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/01062006/2/xhealth-75-cent-women-shelters-risk-murdered-study.html

What the study authors are suggesting will do nothing to protect women/or men from the abusive partner. Instead of telling governments they need to fix the legal system so that those who abuse are dealt with as criminals, they are saying "give us more money for social housing, job assistance, etc.

It's fine to put an abuse victim into a new house, but short of a legal name change, abusers can and do still find their victims, with tragic results. And let's face it, if abusers are having difficulty locating their victims, there are private eyes who can do it for them.

No, IMHO the only solution is to treat abusers like criminals (toughen penalties and enforcement procedures). Then as soon as an abuser is charged, issue an automatic restraining order with a copy to the local police department. Then if the order is not enforced, charge the police officers with aiding and abetting a known criminal.

Mind you, there are ways around a restraining order and the abuser doesn't have to be directly involved. Guaranteed, there are sleazy private eyes who know people who will take care of things while the abuser sets up a perfect alibi. The case that comes to mind is not O.J. Simpson, but of a provincial politician here in Canada, Colin Thatcher.

He was convicted of murdering his ex-wife Joanne Wilson, and is just now getting full parole. The case was built on circumstanial evidence, and Thatcher, who still maintains his innocence, claimed he was having dinner out of town when the murder took place. Maybe he was and maybe he wasn't, but I do know this. He and his family were wealthy enough, they could have hired someone to do the deed.

Even restraining orders aren't perfect, that's why anyone accused of abuse, needs to be locked up until their trial. Stop victimizing the victims of abuse, by slapping abusers on the wrist and saying "that was naughty, don't do it again."

More to come

My dear friend SB...

has pointed out something that I didn't realize I was doing. Instead of being gender neutral in my postings, I tended to leave an impression that only members of the male sex were abusers.

That was never my intention and I do apologize for those statements. My intention was to show that both men and women can be abusers/just as both can be involved in abusive relationships.

While fathers/males get the rap for most cases of physical abuse, mothers are just as bad. However it seems that the justice system tends to find excuses to justify the females abusive tendencies (post-partum depression; depression; and any other forms of mental illness you can find.

Also while males tend to be more physically abusive, females and mothers are more emotionally abusive (you're not worthy; you'll never amount to anything; etc). And those are just the common phrases they use.

In my case, my Mother abandoned her parental responsibilities a year after I was born (she and my Father were divorced---she got custody; he never even had visitation rights). I was raised and nutured in a loving home by my Maternal Grandparents, however I still feel the sting of that abandonment all these years later.

That's why we need Parenting classes to start as early as possible and for all new Mothers, they need some sort of caregiver just after they get home from the hospital, someone who, although she is helping the new Mom adjust is also the Children's advocate, having been professionally trained to watch for signs of post-partum depression. And if a case occurs, help the new Mom to realize what's going on and what she can do to control/stop it, but at the same time protect the kids (remember Andrea Yates).

The other part of my idea, SB disagrees with is allowing police to investigate alleged incidents of abuse just on the word of a neighbor. I can see what he is getting at. For example, Neighbor A and his wife love the current arrangement of the block (no kids allowed or so they think), when all of a sudden, right next door Neighbor B moves in with 6 bratty kids all under the age of 6 years. So as way to get rid of Neighbor B, Neighbor A goes to the police and says (I think my next door neighbor is abusing his/her kids). So the police arrest Neighbor B based on that suspicion.

Here's the solution to that dilema. I don't know about the laws in Sweden, SB, but here in Canada, if it turns out Neighbor A was wrong about what Neighbor B was doing to his/her kids, then Neighbor A can face criminal charges such as criminal mischief, filing a false police report, not to mention the possibility that Neighbor B, could file a civil lawsuit against Neighbor A for defamation of character.

So IMHO if someone came across a case of child/spousal abuse and reported it, they are going to be sure of their facts based on what could happen to them if they're wrong.

To be continued, and added to in terms of elder abuse

I've been thinking....

and I realized that this discussion has been about preventing child/spousal abuse in the future, when the real crisis is how do we help those members of society who are being abused/neglected today. That may be the only way to end abuse and abusive relationships in the future.

A friend made an interesting comment once, when she said "It takes a village to raise a child." Looking back over my formative years, I realize that statement is very true, because I was one kid who if she tried anything illegal, my grandparents would have known about it five minutes later, that's how well known I was in my neighborhood.

Ok, if the village/neighborhood is going to help a family raise its child, make it legally responsible for getting involved. There is a law in France, which makes it illegal for someone who comes upon an accident not to give assistance to those who may have been injured in that accident. A variation of that to help stamp out abuse may be, that if Neighbor A is an abuser and Neighbor B suspects that he is and doesn't report him, and as a result Neighbor A is able to kill his spouse/child(ren) then Neighbor B is charged with being an accessory after the fact.

I want to take a moment to relate an incident which still haunts me to this day. An extemely close childhood friend of mine was a victim of abuse by a parent. I knew about it and to this day, it haunts me that I didn't do anything to help end the suffering. And to make matters worse, we lived just up the street from a police officer.

That's where I see the first step to stopping abuse. Give the local police forces authority that if someone reports a suspected case abuse (either children or spouse), they can go in and investigate. No longer do they have to wait until court orders are obtained to protect a family. I know of a case right here, where a woman was in the hospital recovering from an attack by her husband and had a restraining order saying that the husband was not to come within xamount of yards of her or her family. Well, guess what, the husband violated that order, walked into the hospital, up to his wife's room and shot both her and her mother dead, before fleeing the scene. And when police finally caught up to him, he was dead of a self-inflicted wound. A copy of the restraining order was apparently attached to the woman's chart at the foot of the bed. Restraining orders don't work. What will work is putting child/spousal abuse into the criminal code with tough penalties and make abusers criminals as well as those who aid and abet them by covering things up, though not the victims.

When an abuser is caught, don't charge him with simple abuse (or whatever passes as a criminal charge these days); they need to be charged with assault or if a weapon (like a belt) is used, assault causing bodily harm and assault with a weapon. It's time to stop continuing to victimize the abuse victims and insteaad put the guilt where it belongs, at the feet of those who abuse. Secondly, once the abusers are charged, no bail, to protect the victims. Then the victims should be allowed a restraining order against the members of the abusers family to prevent retaliation for the supposed embarrassment being caused by having this go public.

Then once convicted, the maximum sentence under each charge is applied, no appeal allowed and definitely no shortening of sentences (either by appeal or time off for good behavior) should ever be allowed.

A friend on her blog, the Canuckian; http://wtg.braveblog.com has a link to a story where a judge shortened a convicted abusers sentence. Any judge who does that in the future, should be facing an automatic criminal misconduct investigation.

The only way abuse is going to be stopped is strong mandatory changes to the criminal code and the justice systems of the world.

To be continued

While we continue to debate the best course of...

action to deal with abusers and potential abusers, the statistics continue to pile up. This is a link to the latest incident;

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060528/ap_on_re_us/children_killed

And this was a Doctor; an educated man. The kids were four and eight years old.

I for one am tired of talking. We need decisive action and we need it now.

The parenting idea is good, but we can't wait until they are in their twenties before we start teaching them. Kids today are having sex as young as 14 or 15, so the high schools need to have this parenting course in place. And course cannot be taught by a teacher/adult. The best way to get through to kids is to have it be taught by other kids, kids who have been there done that and can mentor the kids who are still free from doing that.

I know for a fact that a lot of kids, who are from abusive homes, look at their first relationship with a boy as a way to break free from the abuse. Without this course, they could be going from one abusive relationship (parent) to another (spouse), simply because someone is giving them the attention they should have received from their parents.

To be continued....

So...

A couple of friends of mine Holly G.; http://rockintheboat.bravejournal.com and ShadowBear C.; http://that-loony-yid.blogspot.com have each posted comments on their blogs with regards to what I have been discussing on mine.

And while they both agree something needs to be done to curb/stop all forms of abuse (child/spousal/sexual/emotional), we still find a problem. They agree there should be parenting classes, as do I.

However, that is where the agreement stops. While I have proposed some sort of testing program to help not necessarily weed out the prospective parents who are found to be a high risk to abuse their children, but to find a solution before they and their children or spouse become another statistic, both Holly and ShadowBear have opposed that.

Which leaves me wondering how many more innocent victims of abuse must suffer before society as a whole says "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH." By choosing to remain with our heads buried in the sand and figure it is someone else's problem to deal with, IMHO I feel we are no better than Hitler's Elite SS Troops who were responsible for depriving the Jewish population of the right to live during the Holocaust, or the Serbians who murdered Muslim Men and Boys during their war in Bosnia or the Hutu's in Rwanda or the guerillas responsible for the mess in Darfur, Sudan.

Watching a two-part episode with Nobel Prize winning author Elie Wiesel on Oprah, (yesterday and today), I am struck by a very ironic statement that was made at the liberation of the concentration camp known as Auschwitz-Birkenau. The liberators and the governments of the day all said "Never again should something like the Holocaust be allowed to happen." Unfortunately Abusive relationships are still being allowed to happen just like the various groups doing ethnic cleanising are still at it. Women and children are being systemically beaten, tortured and in some cases starved to death, while society as a whole sits back and wrings its collective hands and says "What can we do to change it?"

Until we dig our heads out of the sand and say "ENOUGH!!!" and start talking and taking back the power from the abusers, nothing will be accomplished, except for a lot more hand wringing, and a lot more potential from the young people (children) lost forever.

Exactly what I wanted

A friend left a comment on my blog yesterday. What he wanted to say how ever was too long to put in so he used his blog and then linked it through the comment section. His opinion is assisting me to achieve exactly what I wanted, a dialogue about how to defeat abuse once and for all.

My intention in my post yesterday and tonight's one is to get people talking and make them aware of the tell tale signs of abuse. The more we as a society take a stand and fight back, the less power the abusers have.

Having read it, I can understand where some people might have the idea that the plan I am proposing may result in the loss of a future Dr. Stephen Hawking or Ludwig Von Beethoven.

How do we as a society know that we have not lost them already with the deaths of children, abused and neglected each year.

I also note that what I am proposing is rather a drastic step, however I see no other way to stop the cycle of abuse than trying to come up with a workable solution.

So using my suggestion about a pre-screening test for all prospective parents and take it one step further. You have a couple newly married and wanting to start a family. The test is administered and low and behold, there's a problem. The bride's results indicate she might harm her child either before it is born or after, the test's can't narrow down the field.

Pretending to be this lady's OB-GYN, I would sit both prospective parents down in my office, explain the test results and then with cooperation from both prospective parents, come up with a plan that would enable not only the prospective mother, but teach the prospective father the warning signs to look for. And then in 6 months (minimum) to 1 year (maximum), let them retake the test and if they both pass recommend them as being suitable for parenthood.

I guess what I am trying to say is this, there are no reasons on earth for people who wish to become parents as long as the few who may inadvertently tar and feather that group are helped and given the life skills they need to stop the cycle of abuse, once and for all.

Why????

This is something I will never understand. Men and women of all races and faiths fall in love, get married and decide to have children. Then for whatever reason, husbands beat up wives, wives beat husbands (in certain cases). But the most despicable act of all is when parents (either both together or single parents) deny young children the basic neccessities of life; beat the crap out of older children and in some cases, because the children have chosen to defy the parents on something, the children are killed, even though those children are now full grown adults. Or the parents are going through a messy divorce and one parent to spite the other, kills the children and then himself/herself.

Oh yes it happens. Think Susan Smith, Andrea Yates in the US. And in the countries of India and Pakistan with the practice of arranged marriages, it happens more than we in the West ever know. And we call ourselves a civilized society. What's so civilized about killing off the next generation of people.

And the judicial system lets parents off by saying they are mentally ill. Give me a break. If they were so mentally ill, why didn't someone stop them from becoming parents in the first place. And that's what society needs to do, figure out a way to stop or at least teach those adults who wish to become parents what that job entails.

I mean come on, we have medical tests which will tell us the sex of the unborn baby; whether that unborn baby has a serious medical condition that requires immediate medical intervention. Why are there no policies in place for spotting people who might be dangerous as parents. We owe it to ourselves and the generations that follow to find this cure for abuse and nip it in the bud.

And in the Muslim community, we need to teach that just because a child wants to choose his/her own partner (yes the killing does apply to male children in the Muslim world as well), doesn't mean that they are a disgrace or a disappointment to the family. Rather it should signal a new beginning. A 21st century beginning. Arranged marriages should be made illegal. We in the Western World are allowed to choose who we fall in love with and marry. Shouldn't everybody have that choice.

All we as a so-called civilized society are doing is perpetuating the acceptance of child abuse, and murder. Because no matter what age we are, we are still the children of the people who conceived us and brought us into this world.

More on this in the days to come

Well, what do you know...

I have stepped into the 21st century. I'm finally blogging.

Welcome everyone to the slush and mush pile. I named my blog this, because it will cover a range of topics, from my writing to looking after an elderly family member to anything which strikes me as interesting.

It may not be updated every day, but guaranteed, there will be days when I have a lot to say.

So sit back and enjoy