As most of you know, I have been battling bladder cancer for the last while. Well, after two surgeries in an attempt to save my bladder, I've decided no more. I can't take the pain. As I type this, I have pain just below both my kidneys, not to mention it stings when I manage to void (pee). BM's are another story entirely.
I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of the constant pain (yes I have strong painkillers--anything stronger and I could become an addict). I'm tired of the spasms that hit me so hard, I just pour sweat, like I had been running a marathon and totally zap my energy. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep at night, because the pain is so bad.
And most of all, I'm tired of having to be stoic, strong and reassuring for the family, who don't understand the agony this involves. Only those who have had surgery anywhere near their nether regions could understand.
And the thing that upsets me most of all, is in the past when I have had a health scare/crisis, I could go lean on Gram and just have a good crying jag (just the thought of that has tears running down my face). But because of this and the fact she needs more care than I give her, she's in a facility and I can only muster enough energy to see her for an hour.
I have a meeting at 3:15 my time tomorrow (Tues) with Dr. Nazif (my surgeon) and if he's not prepared to listen to me or take my concerns seriously, I am hereby stopping all treatment.
I'm tired and if the universe decided to take me in my sleep, I'd be happy.
Just so you know, suicide is not in my vocabulary, but I'm tired of all of this and just want out
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2 comments:
Well, it's been a long haul, for sure, and you've had a lot to deal with. The situation with Gram, combined with the pain you've been dealing with from the surgery and from the spasms - which really are bad, I know - is a lot to take on. Honestly, you have my sympathies, hon, and I can understand why you want the doctor to just take it all out once and for all.
I am sending you tons and tons of my famous "Holly Hugs", Sis, and I'm asking the universe to please guide and strengthen you, and watch over and protect you. I know it would probably feel better if I was there with you, but it's the thought that counts...
((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
Hey Sis, howzit goin' with you? I figured I'd better drop by so you didn't think I'd forgotten about you. I was going to subscribe to this blog so that I'd know right away when you made a new post, but I didn't see anywhere where I could do that. :( I guess I'll just have to do things the old-fashioned way, eh? :D
I hope you're starting to feel a bit better, hon, and I hope you have a good weekend and great visits with Gram. Will you give her my love the next time you see her? I'd really appreciate it; I miss you and her so much... :(
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