Before anyone thinks in future about asking me how I am

Please read the following very carefully. Failure to do so, could result in a major temper explosion from me!!!!!!

I know everybody means well, by asking, but I am so sick and tired of trying to sound cheerful, like I'm just getting over a case of bronchitis or pneumonia. I am fighting cancer people. How the blazes would you expect me to feel. I just found out I am facing a major operation because despite my surgeon's best attempts to save my bladder, tests reveal he can't. And this surgery entails, removing my bladder entirely, along with my uterus, ovaries, and anterior wall of my vagina. Not only that there are major risks involved. 1) I could have a heart attack and croak on the table; 2) I could develop blood clots in my legs. It also means I will be walking around with a stoma bag (to collect urine) the rest of my life. And frankly the thought of what I'm about to face is scaring the crap out of me!!!!!

This is a serious disease people, and quite frankly if you don't get that by now, heaven help you if you should develop cancer.

And the other thing bothering me right now. The two people who mean more to me than anything/anyone on this planet and who always kept me from having a nervous breakdown if I had a health crisis aren't available when I need them the most. Of course, I am speaking of my Grandparents (or in my books, my true Parents). One has been gone (deceased) almost 8 years (my Grandfather) and because of what I'm going through I had to place Gram into a facility, where I can't even see her, because I am also fighting anemia!!!! And even when I do see her, I'm not allowed to say anything about this, under orders from the rest of the family!!!!

So people please, read this and know that I am going through probably the worst time of my life and as to how I am doing,...."LOUSY, THANKS"

As along as everybody reads this, we should be able to avoid a virtual or any other type of temper fit/explosion from me. And believe me, right now, in the mood I'm in, you best be prepared to lose some skin.

I'm tired of it all and just want out

As most of you know, I have been battling bladder cancer for the last while. Well, after two surgeries in an attempt to save my bladder, I've decided no more. I can't take the pain. As I type this, I have pain just below both my kidneys, not to mention it stings when I manage to void (pee). BM's are another story entirely.

I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of the constant pain (yes I have strong painkillers--anything stronger and I could become an addict). I'm tired of the spasms that hit me so hard, I just pour sweat, like I had been running a marathon and totally zap my energy. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep at night, because the pain is so bad.

And most of all, I'm tired of having to be stoic, strong and reassuring for the family, who don't understand the agony this involves. Only those who have had surgery anywhere near their nether regions could understand.

And the thing that upsets me most of all, is in the past when I have had a health scare/crisis, I could go lean on Gram and just have a good crying jag (just the thought of that has tears running down my face). But because of this and the fact she needs more care than I give her, she's in a facility and I can only muster enough energy to see her for an hour.

I have a meeting at 3:15 my time tomorrow (Tues) with Dr. Nazif (my surgeon) and if he's not prepared to listen to me or take my concerns seriously, I am hereby stopping all treatment.

I'm tired and if the universe decided to take me in my sleep, I'd be happy.

Just so you know, suicide is not in my vocabulary, but I'm tired of all of this and just want out