God I hate this. Lately when I come to post, it seems to be because I'm feeling sorry for myself. Well this post is no different. I can't stand the pain anymore, and yet I have to wait another week, before I can go for my surgery.
I'm truly tempted to cancel out of the surgery and just let the damn cancer take me. I'm so fed up with the crying jags (which get so bad I almost feel like throwing up). I'm fed up with the continual pain (I'm still using my painkillers, but even they don't help as much as they used too). I'm fed up with trying to be cheerful when I go see Gram, instead of just laying my head in her lap and crying and telling her the truth. I'm really fed up with the lack of sleep from all of this, which zaps my energy and stops me from getting my brand new computer.
If I don't get some relief and soon, well......
Friday, July 25, 2008
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Before anyone thinks in future about asking me how I am
Please read the following very carefully. Failure to do so, could result in a major temper explosion from me!!!!!!
I know everybody means well, by asking, but I am so sick and tired of trying to sound cheerful, like I'm just getting over a case of bronchitis or pneumonia. I am fighting cancer people. How the blazes would you expect me to feel. I just found out I am facing a major operation because despite my surgeon's best attempts to save my bladder, tests reveal he can't. And this surgery entails, removing my bladder entirely, along with my uterus, ovaries, and anterior wall of my vagina. Not only that there are major risks involved. 1) I could have a heart attack and croak on the table; 2) I could develop blood clots in my legs. It also means I will be walking around with a stoma bag (to collect urine) the rest of my life. And frankly the thought of what I'm about to face is scaring the crap out of me!!!!!
This is a serious disease people, and quite frankly if you don't get that by now, heaven help you if you should develop cancer.
And the other thing bothering me right now. The two people who mean more to me than anything/anyone on this planet and who always kept me from having a nervous breakdown if I had a health crisis aren't available when I need them the most. Of course, I am speaking of my Grandparents (or in my books, my true Parents). One has been gone (deceased) almost 8 years (my Grandfather) and because of what I'm going through I had to place Gram into a facility, where I can't even see her, because I am also fighting anemia!!!! And even when I do see her, I'm not allowed to say anything about this, under orders from the rest of the family!!!!
So people please, read this and know that I am going through probably the worst time of my life and as to how I am doing,...."LOUSY, THANKS"
As along as everybody reads this, we should be able to avoid a virtual or any other type of temper fit/explosion from me. And believe me, right now, in the mood I'm in, you best be prepared to lose some skin.
I know everybody means well, by asking, but I am so sick and tired of trying to sound cheerful, like I'm just getting over a case of bronchitis or pneumonia. I am fighting cancer people. How the blazes would you expect me to feel. I just found out I am facing a major operation because despite my surgeon's best attempts to save my bladder, tests reveal he can't. And this surgery entails, removing my bladder entirely, along with my uterus, ovaries, and anterior wall of my vagina. Not only that there are major risks involved. 1) I could have a heart attack and croak on the table; 2) I could develop blood clots in my legs. It also means I will be walking around with a stoma bag (to collect urine) the rest of my life. And frankly the thought of what I'm about to face is scaring the crap out of me!!!!!
This is a serious disease people, and quite frankly if you don't get that by now, heaven help you if you should develop cancer.
And the other thing bothering me right now. The two people who mean more to me than anything/anyone on this planet and who always kept me from having a nervous breakdown if I had a health crisis aren't available when I need them the most. Of course, I am speaking of my Grandparents (or in my books, my true Parents). One has been gone (deceased) almost 8 years (my Grandfather) and because of what I'm going through I had to place Gram into a facility, where I can't even see her, because I am also fighting anemia!!!! And even when I do see her, I'm not allowed to say anything about this, under orders from the rest of the family!!!!
So people please, read this and know that I am going through probably the worst time of my life and as to how I am doing,...."LOUSY, THANKS"
As along as everybody reads this, we should be able to avoid a virtual or any other type of temper fit/explosion from me. And believe me, right now, in the mood I'm in, you best be prepared to lose some skin.
Monday, July 07, 2008
I'm tired of it all and just want out
As most of you know, I have been battling bladder cancer for the last while. Well, after two surgeries in an attempt to save my bladder, I've decided no more. I can't take the pain. As I type this, I have pain just below both my kidneys, not to mention it stings when I manage to void (pee). BM's are another story entirely.
I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of the constant pain (yes I have strong painkillers--anything stronger and I could become an addict). I'm tired of the spasms that hit me so hard, I just pour sweat, like I had been running a marathon and totally zap my energy. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep at night, because the pain is so bad.
And most of all, I'm tired of having to be stoic, strong and reassuring for the family, who don't understand the agony this involves. Only those who have had surgery anywhere near their nether regions could understand.
And the thing that upsets me most of all, is in the past when I have had a health scare/crisis, I could go lean on Gram and just have a good crying jag (just the thought of that has tears running down my face). But because of this and the fact she needs more care than I give her, she's in a facility and I can only muster enough energy to see her for an hour.
I have a meeting at 3:15 my time tomorrow (Tues) with Dr. Nazif (my surgeon) and if he's not prepared to listen to me or take my concerns seriously, I am hereby stopping all treatment.
I'm tired and if the universe decided to take me in my sleep, I'd be happy.
Just so you know, suicide is not in my vocabulary, but I'm tired of all of this and just want out
I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of the constant pain (yes I have strong painkillers--anything stronger and I could become an addict). I'm tired of the spasms that hit me so hard, I just pour sweat, like I had been running a marathon and totally zap my energy. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep at night, because the pain is so bad.
And most of all, I'm tired of having to be stoic, strong and reassuring for the family, who don't understand the agony this involves. Only those who have had surgery anywhere near their nether regions could understand.
And the thing that upsets me most of all, is in the past when I have had a health scare/crisis, I could go lean on Gram and just have a good crying jag (just the thought of that has tears running down my face). But because of this and the fact she needs more care than I give her, she's in a facility and I can only muster enough energy to see her for an hour.
I have a meeting at 3:15 my time tomorrow (Tues) with Dr. Nazif (my surgeon) and if he's not prepared to listen to me or take my concerns seriously, I am hereby stopping all treatment.
I'm tired and if the universe decided to take me in my sleep, I'd be happy.
Just so you know, suicide is not in my vocabulary, but I'm tired of all of this and just want out
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Why is it that some people....
who reach the age of 65 or more and seem to be in reasonable health, lose what little brain matter they have left.
Diane (my Mother) is a perfect example. Lately we have been letting our cats (with the exception of O'Malley) outside. Figaro Jr, however takes 3 days to come back in and because of that we had made the decision to leave him in with O'Malley, both for his safety and our piece of mind.
Well, this morning, while I was taking a shower, Diane decides to let the cats who were outside, back in without watching for Fig. Naturally he seized the opportunity and got out. GRRRRRRRRR!!!!
Her excuse to me was she mistook him for Tiger. I find that hard to believe because Tiger is striped and Fig looks exactly like his brother Vic but Fig is ginger in color, while Vic is black and white.
Now, after just getting rid of my latest insomnia battle, I get to start a new one, because guaranteed Fig will not come in for three days.
Thankfully Diane leaves for the summer in two weeks. Mind you, I don't think I'm going to be able to last that long.
Diane (my Mother) is a perfect example. Lately we have been letting our cats (with the exception of O'Malley) outside. Figaro Jr, however takes 3 days to come back in and because of that we had made the decision to leave him in with O'Malley, both for his safety and our piece of mind.
Well, this morning, while I was taking a shower, Diane decides to let the cats who were outside, back in without watching for Fig. Naturally he seized the opportunity and got out. GRRRRRRRRR!!!!
Her excuse to me was she mistook him for Tiger. I find that hard to believe because Tiger is striped and Fig looks exactly like his brother Vic but Fig is ginger in color, while Vic is black and white.
Now, after just getting rid of my latest insomnia battle, I get to start a new one, because guaranteed Fig will not come in for three days.
Thankfully Diane leaves for the summer in two weeks. Mind you, I don't think I'm going to be able to last that long.
Thursday, March 06, 2008
This is absolutely idiotic
The Canadian Health care system is stretched to the max and yet Doctors say, oh let's just put our elderly into care facilities.
Yes, I happened to have to see mine today (for me--updated him on Gram) and we got to talking about Gram slipping into the dementia phase of the Parkinson's and he said at some point she may have to go into long term care. For me that is the worst possible news I could have heard.
I don't like care facilities for seniors. I never have and I never will. They remind me too much of the barracks used by the Nazi's in their concentration camps during the war.
What bugs me most about the situation is, why would you take a senior out of their comfort zone/familiar environment and transplant them into a situation, where nothing is familiar. It's stupid.
Especially in Gram's case. This is a woman who because of the Parkinson's is physically unable to get to sharp objects, with which she could harm herself or others. I dispense her meds (so she can't get to them and possibly overdose). She physically unable to move around so there is no danger of her leaving the house unless I know about it. So why wouldn't it be best for her to stay in her own home.
Have we as a society gotten so jaded, that when it comes time to place a loved one in a facility, we go along happily. To me, if an elderly person, with assistance can remain in their own home/familiar surroundings then why not explore that option first.
What happened to respect for your elders? Am I the only one who still practices that? *shakes head in disgust*
Just remember people, karma can be a pain to handle, and believe me what goes around comes around.
Yes, I happened to have to see mine today (for me--updated him on Gram) and we got to talking about Gram slipping into the dementia phase of the Parkinson's and he said at some point she may have to go into long term care. For me that is the worst possible news I could have heard.
I don't like care facilities for seniors. I never have and I never will. They remind me too much of the barracks used by the Nazi's in their concentration camps during the war.
What bugs me most about the situation is, why would you take a senior out of their comfort zone/familiar environment and transplant them into a situation, where nothing is familiar. It's stupid.
Especially in Gram's case. This is a woman who because of the Parkinson's is physically unable to get to sharp objects, with which she could harm herself or others. I dispense her meds (so she can't get to them and possibly overdose). She physically unable to move around so there is no danger of her leaving the house unless I know about it. So why wouldn't it be best for her to stay in her own home.
Have we as a society gotten so jaded, that when it comes time to place a loved one in a facility, we go along happily. To me, if an elderly person, with assistance can remain in their own home/familiar surroundings then why not explore that option first.
What happened to respect for your elders? Am I the only one who still practices that? *shakes head in disgust*
Just remember people, karma can be a pain to handle, and believe me what goes around comes around.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Decision Time
This is an entry I never thought I would be typing. But I'm beginning to find more and more as time goes on, that I have a tough decision to face.
As many of you know, I have been looking after my Grandmother for the past 7+ years, with little or no family support. While I do have respite care (twice a week for four hours), I'm really finding it difficult to continue.
Before some of you get your knickers in a knot, let me say I continue to love what I do for Gram. Truthfully though, the strain is beginning to get to me, especially when the rest of the family only thinks of me as a maid. And Gram doesn't say anything to discourage them or give me support when I try to voice my displeasure.
And lately, even she is beginning to fight me when I administer (give) her meds. It takes a good 20 minutes to get the meds down, and in some cases, I practically have to shove them down her throat, or she'll spit them out at me.
So my decision is this, do I ask for one more 1/2 day of respite care or do I make the choice I always swore I'd never do, ask Gram's physician to make arrangements for her to go to a care facility.
Sometimes I absolutely hate my life.
As many of you know, I have been looking after my Grandmother for the past 7+ years, with little or no family support. While I do have respite care (twice a week for four hours), I'm really finding it difficult to continue.
Before some of you get your knickers in a knot, let me say I continue to love what I do for Gram. Truthfully though, the strain is beginning to get to me, especially when the rest of the family only thinks of me as a maid. And Gram doesn't say anything to discourage them or give me support when I try to voice my displeasure.
And lately, even she is beginning to fight me when I administer (give) her meds. It takes a good 20 minutes to get the meds down, and in some cases, I practically have to shove them down her throat, or she'll spit them out at me.
So my decision is this, do I ask for one more 1/2 day of respite care or do I make the choice I always swore I'd never do, ask Gram's physician to make arrangements for her to go to a care facility.
Sometimes I absolutely hate my life.
Saturday, December 01, 2007
Will wonders never cease or
has Hell frozen over and nobody bothered to tell me.
Earlier today, Diane actually apologized for her actions of the other night when Gram was sick at the stomach.
To say I am in shock is a mild understatement.
Earlier today, Diane actually apologized for her actions of the other night when Gram was sick at the stomach.
To say I am in shock is a mild understatement.
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