The Slush and Mush Pile

Pity Party Time again!!!

2008-07-25T03:36:00.002-07:00

God I hate this. Lately when I come to post, it seems to be because I'm feeling sorry for myself. Well this post is no different. I can't stand the pain anymore, and yet I have to wait another week, before I can go for my surgery.

I'm truly tempted to cancel out of the surgery and just let the damn cancer take me. I'm so fed up with the crying jags (which get so bad I almost feel like throwing up). I'm fed up with the continual pain (I'm still using my painkillers, but even they don't help as much as they used too). I'm fed up with trying to be cheerful when I go see Gram, instead of just laying my head in her lap and crying and telling her the truth. I'm really fed up with the lack of sleep from all of this, which zaps my energy and stops me from getting my brand new computer.

If I don't get some relief and soon, well......

Before anyone thinks in future about asking me how I am

2008-07-10T20:29:00.002-07:00

Please read the following very carefully. Failure to do so, could result in a major temper explosion from me!!!!!!

I know everybody means well, by asking, but I am so sick and tired of trying to sound cheerful, like I'm just getting over a case of bronchitis or pneumonia. I am fighting cancer people. How the blazes would you expect me to feel. I just found out I am facing a major operation because despite my surgeon's best attempts to save my bladder, tests reveal he can't. And this surgery entails, removing my bladder entirely, along with my uterus, ovaries, and anterior wall of my vagina. Not only that there are major risks involved. 1) I could have a heart attack and croak on the table; 2) I could develop blood clots in my legs. It also means I will be walking around with a stoma bag (to collect urine) the rest of my life. And frankly the thought of what I'm about to face is scaring the crap out of me!!!!!

This is a serious disease people, and quite frankly if you don't get that by now, heaven help you if you should develop cancer.

And the other thing bothering me right now. The two people who mean more to me than anything/anyone on this planet and who always kept me from having a nervous breakdown if I had a health crisis aren't available when I need them the most. Of course, I am speaking of my Grandparents (or in my books, my true Parents). One has been gone (deceased) almost 8 years (my Grandfather) and because of what I'm going through I had to place Gram into a facility, where I can't even see her, because I am also fighting anemia!!!! And even when I do see her, I'm not allowed to say anything about this, under orders from the rest of the family!!!!

So people please, read this and know that I am going through probably the worst time of my life and as to how I am doing,...."LOUSY, THANKS"

As along as everybody reads this, we should be able to avoid a virtual or any other type of temper fit/explosion from me. And believe me, right now, in the mood I'm in, you best be prepared to lose some skin.

I'm tired of it all and just want out

2008-07-07T21:33:00.003-07:00

As most of you know, I have been battling bladder cancer for the last while. Well, after two surgeries in an attempt to save my bladder, I've decided no more. I can't take the pain. As I type this, I have pain just below both my kidneys, not to mention it stings when I manage to void (pee). BM's are another story entirely.

I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of the constant pain (yes I have strong painkillers--anything stronger and I could become an addict). I'm tired of the spasms that hit me so hard, I just pour sweat, like I had been running a marathon and totally zap my energy. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep at night, because the pain is so bad.

And most of all, I'm tired of having to be stoic, strong and reassuring for the family, who don't understand the agony this involves. Only those who have had surgery anywhere near their nether regions could understand.

And the thing that upsets me most of all, is in the past when I have had a health scare/crisis, I could go lean on Gram and just have a good crying jag (just the thought of that has tears running down my face). But because of this and the fact she needs more care than I give her, she's in a facility and I can only muster enough energy to see her for an hour.

I have a meeting at 3:15 my time tomorrow (Tues) with Dr. Nazif (my surgeon) and if he's not prepared to listen to me or take my concerns seriously, I am hereby stopping all treatment.

I'm tired and if the universe decided to take me in my sleep, I'd be happy.

Just so you know, suicide is not in my vocabulary, but I'm tired of all of this and just want out

Why is it that some people....

2008-04-10T11:34:00.002-07:00

who reach the age of 65 or more and seem to be in reasonable health, lose what little brain matter they have left.

Diane (my Mother) is a perfect example. Lately we have been letting our cats (with the exception of O'Malley) outside. Figaro Jr, however takes 3 days to come back in and because of that we had made the decision to leave him in with O'Malley, both for his safety and our piece of mind.

Well, this morning, while I was taking a shower, Diane decides to let the cats who were outside, back in without watching for Fig. Naturally he seized the opportunity and got out. GRRRRRRRRR!!!!

Her excuse to me was she mistook him for Tiger. I find that hard to believe because Tiger is striped and Fig looks exactly like his brother Vic but Fig is ginger in color, while Vic is black and white.

Now, after just getting rid of my latest insomnia battle, I get to start a new one, because guaranteed Fig will not come in for three days.

Thankfully Diane leaves for the summer in two weeks. Mind you, I don't think I'm going to be able to last that long.

This is absolutely idiotic

2008-03-06T18:22:00.002-08:00

The Canadian Health care system is stretched to the max and yet Doctors say, oh let's just put our elderly into care facilities.

Yes, I happened to have to see mine today (for me--updated him on Gram) and we got to talking about Gram slipping into the dementia phase of the Parkinson's and he said at some point she may have to go into long term care. For me that is the worst possible news I could have heard.

I don't like care facilities for seniors. I never have and I never will. They remind me too much of the barracks used by the Nazi's in their concentration camps during the war.

What bugs me most about the situation is, why would you take a senior out of their comfort zone/familiar environment and transplant them into a situation, where nothing is familiar. It's stupid.

Especially in Gram's case. This is a woman who because of the Parkinson's is physically unable to get to sharp objects, with which she could harm herself or others. I dispense her meds (so she can't get to them and possibly overdose). She physically unable to move around so there is no danger of her leaving the house unless I know about it. So why wouldn't it be best for her to stay in her own home.

Have we as a society gotten so jaded, that when it comes time to place a loved one in a facility, we go along happily. To me, if an elderly person, with assistance can remain in their own home/familiar surroundings then why not explore that option first.

What happened to respect for your elders? Am I the only one who still practices that? *shakes head in disgust*

Just remember people, karma can be a pain to handle, and believe me what goes around comes around.

Decision Time

2008-02-18T15:20:00.002-08:00

This is an entry I never thought I would be typing. But I'm beginning to find more and more as time goes on, that I have a tough decision to face.

As many of you know, I have been looking after my Grandmother for the past 7+ years, with little or no family support. While I do have respite care (twice a week for four hours), I'm really finding it difficult to continue.

Before some of you get your knickers in a knot, let me say I continue to love what I do for Gram. Truthfully though, the strain is beginning to get to me, especially when the rest of the family only thinks of me as a maid. And Gram doesn't say anything to discourage them or give me support when I try to voice my displeasure.

And lately, even she is beginning to fight me when I administer (give) her meds. It takes a good 20 minutes to get the meds down, and in some cases, I practically have to shove them down her throat, or she'll spit them out at me.

So my decision is this, do I ask for one more 1/2 day of respite care or do I make the choice I always swore I'd never do, ask Gram's physician to make arrangements for her to go to a care facility.

Sometimes I absolutely hate my life.

Will wonders never cease or

2007-12-01T17:45:00.000-08:00

has Hell frozen over and nobody bothered to tell me.

Earlier today, Diane actually apologized for her actions of the other night when Gram was sick at the stomach.

To say I am in shock is a mild understatement.

I HAVE HAD IT

2007-11-30T09:43:00.000-08:00

with the useless human being known as my Mother (hereafter referred to as Diane---she doesn't deserve to be called Mother or any of its derivatives).

Last night was the straw that broke the camel's back. A little back story needs to be inserted here. There is a nasty bug making the rounds (it gives you the runs so bad, it's like water). I had it on Tuesday and unfortunately, Gram caught it on Wednesday. And because of the damn Parkinson's when Gram caught it and I got her to the bathroom talk about shit hitting the fan the hard way. We had it all over everywhere. Could Diane help at all. Not on your Nellie. She had to hide in the garage until it was all over and I had the worst of it cleaned up.
In all honesty, Diane reminds me of the southern belles of yesteryear, who were so dainty, anyone brought anything up (subjects or actual wounds), the delicate ones would automatically faint.

Now come forward to yesterday. Gram and I made a trip to the Doctor's (routine prescription renewal and flu shots). Of course, I asked if there was a bug going around and was relieved that yes there was. Of course, I mentioned that both Gram and I had suffered from it, and Dr. Kalsi checked Gram out to be sure it was nothing more serious.

Well, as many of you know, I have 2 half-days off per week for respite care. Yesterday afternoon was one of those two half-days. And as always the lady who comes likes to feed Gram a snack. Because we had to be up early for going to the Doctor's, Gram had an earlier than usual breakfast, which meant that she would be hungry. And in fact, she was hungrier than usual, so it took quite a while to get her filled up. I also realized that she would be pretty empty after what had happened the night before.

So, fast forward to later in the evening. I had just received and was in the middle of a long-distance phone call with a friend, who had phoned to get my Christmas wish list. Unfortunately, before we could get to the gist of the phone call, we were interrupted by my Mother, who informed me Gram was sick at the stomach (vomiting) and instead of dealing with it herself, insisted I deal with it, which meant of course I had to cut short my long-distance phone call.

Needless to say, I was not at all thrilled by this. Nor was I surprised by it. Diane has to be the most useless piece of goods this planet has ever produced.

I have been known to say that if anything happens to me, because I am Gram's primary caregiver, Gram and I are screwed. Diane's response has been when she has heard me "Oh no, we'll (meaning her and the rest of the family) take good care of Gram." Yeah right, and if you believe that I've got some swampland in the middle of Antarctica to sell you. She can talk the talk but can't walk the walk when it comes right down to it.

And as my cousin asked me, "what would Diane have done had I not been here?" The answer to that is very simple, based on past experience. She would have called the ambulance/paramedics.

The bug that Gram and I had is one I normally would not wish on anyone. But in this case I am prepared to make an exception. I hope to hell Diane gets it, and gets it bad. Would I care for her the way I do Gram. Not on your Nellie. If she had the difficulty Gram had last night, I just intend to phone the ambulance/paramedics.

As to the phone call from the friend in question. She understood, and I'll be e-mailing her today to let her know my Christmas wish list and that Gram is okay and recovering nicely, no thanks to Diane

You know it's time for your Mother to be put out to pasture

2007-11-23T16:51:00.000-08:00

because when she placed an ad to find homes for our newest brood, she took the local paper's special which she assumed meant it would be in three different papers and didn't bother to ask for clarification, when the special actually was three times in one local paper.

So for the past week, I have been answering calls and having to tell people that the cats are already gone.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

And people wonder why I can't get anything done around here.

Well, it's the morning after

2007-11-22T04:10:00.000-08:00

my cats went to the vet for their snip and clip job (or in plain English, spay and neuter procedure).

And after 28 hours with no food or water (no food or water prior to the procedure and on the vet's orders nothing after until 4 am today), boy were they hungry and thirsty. Thankfully, so far at least they don't seem to be showing any ill effects from the procedure.

And of far more importance, they are not mad at me, although it will be interesting to see what sort of reaction my biological Mother receives from them.

It's quite the job to round them up and get them into cages. I was quite bruised and battered after they left (my biological Mother and Uncle took them in), but at the same time relieved they were on their way, because this means if we want we can let them outside (we had them tattooed in their ears, so we don't need to worry if they lose their collars), after 10 days of enforced enclosure, to allow things to heal and not have to worry about possible paternity suits. After what happened with Belle (see previous entries), I wasn't about to make the same mistake twice (or in my case 5 times)

And when they returned last night from the vets, boy were they glad not only to be home, but to see Gram and I as well. When I got up to feed them, everybody was curled up on the bed, between Gram and I, snoozing happily (you could hear some of them softly purring).

See my trick is, I'll help catch them, but I don't want my guys to associate me with going to the vets. Instead I want them to associate me with love, gentle scratches (pets), fresh food and water, clean bathrooms (litter boxes). In other words, all the good things humans have to offer.

Will keep you posted

You know it's time to retire your Mother from the kitchen

2007-11-21T17:42:00.000-08:00

and cooking in general, when she can't tell the difference between frozen chili and frozen spaghetti sauce, prior to thawing them out.

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Update on newest brood part three

2007-11-18T11:41:00.000-08:00

Well we did it. We found homes for all of the newest brood. The last two went this morning to a man (picked up by other family members) who is an amputee and has a live-in nurse.

The real beauty of that is, for those who know me, with Gram wheel chair bound (due to the Parkinson's), the cats are not afraid of a wheelchair (they know how to move to avoid being run over), and are used to all the medical equipment (bath chairs, commodes, etc.) that are needed by disabled people (Don't get me started on much I hate the word disabled---talk about derogatory). So this is a perfect fit, and what they were raised for. In that sense I'm extremely proud, I have been able to help the amputee.

Yes, I'm sad to see the newer brood go, but at the same time, they've all gone to homes where the owners are absolutely crazy about cats (and in some cases have been previous cat owners), so they can get all the love and attention they need to thrive on as primary cats, instead of sharing it with the older brothers from the first brood and that makes me happy. As a responsible pet owner and animal lover, that's all I want for any animal selected as a pet, is a forever home filled with love.

So to Pacina, Callie, Squirt, Bert, Peanut and Tuffy (our nicknames for them), I say thank you for letting me be apart of your lives for the first 10 weeks and I wish you long, happy, healthy lives filled with love.

Update on new brood part deux

2007-11-17T14:20:00.000-08:00

Another one of the newest brood has gone to his new home. Funny thing is, I always thought that this one would be the easiest one to place. He's a friendly cat, who when called (we nicknamed him Bert) would come to me, crawl into my lap and onto my chest, settle down and go to sleep. He would also lick/wash my face and especially loved to do that, if I had coffee stains (don't ask).

Well, he met his new owner today and the two of them took to each other as though it was meant to be and I would say it was. The new owner had a proper traveling case for him and Bert went in and never made a sound.

As I have to come to realize, what we are doing is better for the cats. They are going to homes where they will be the center of attention, instead of staying here where they have to fight for every bit of attention they get.

And as a bonus, Bert's new owner has promised to call in a couple of weeks to let us know how he is settling in and doing in general. That says to me that Bert will be King of the Castle, and for me as an animal lover, it makes the goodbyes a lot easier.

Funny how with a good night's sleep these things always look better in the morning.

Update on the newest brood

2007-11-16T16:10:00.000-08:00

As many of you know, 10 weeks ago tomorrow, we welcomed an additional six kittens. Well today is a day of mixed emotions for me.

3 of the 6 kittens have gone to their new homes. One ginger to a friend of my cousins, the black one to my cousin and the calico to my aunt.

My heart is torn, and I am fighting my emotions at seeing them go, but my head, being ever the realist, reminds me that this was a decision that had to be made. The city where Gram and I live has a bylaw that you can only have 6 of any animal (cats, dogs, etc.), so the younger ones have to go, because Gram and I are more attached to the older ones and they are to us.

Mom Cat (Belle) has been acting strange all day. She's hardly touched her food and usually when I head out to feed the brood, she's the first one squawking that she's hungry.

I've told her (not sure she understands) that this had to be done and if she is upset, she is to be upset with me. After all, against my better judgment I let her out and because of that we face this type of problem.

Yes, I blame myself. Had I not gone against my better judgment, this day would never have come.

I just hope Belle and the other cats can somehow forgive me and that somehow I find the strength to forgive myself.

You know you have a happy and contented cat

2007-09-19T20:57:00.000-07:00

when you rub its belly and he enjoys it so much, his little wee-wee pops out in appreciation.

You know it's Monday when...

2007-09-17T19:48:00.000-07:00

You are mixing up a jug of iced-tea, and you realize you need more iced-tea crystals for the amount of water you are using (not strong enough). So you grab what you think is the iced-tea container, only to discover upon opening it that instead you have grabbed the container of dry cat food.

Luckily, you noticed before you actually added anything but still.

Walking a mile in my shoes

2007-09-14T23:25:00.000-07:00

Some time ago, a friend of mine in her blog, wrote the following entry;
http://thehollytree.bravejournal.com/entry/21587

I am reminded of that entry now, as I struggle with some decisions that other people say "I have to make." Decisions that are some of the toughest I have ever done.

A brief history lesson is needed to explain why I am having such a tough time. Picture it---the spring/fall of 1998. My Grandfather was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer. (Actually I didn't find out until late in that year and then the news was delivered to me by Gram---Pal knew it would rock my world). It did, it rocked my world, but I want us all to stop and think for a moment of what it did to Gram. This was a man she knew since she was 6 and he was 7. They grew up together, they went to school together, they fell in love, got married and at the time of his diagnosis had been married for just over 6 decades (60 years).

So while the rest of us leaned on Gram for the strength we need to be there for Grandpa, who did she lean on? Who did she turn too for comfort and support? No one (and I include myself in this) because we were all too wrapped up in making sure Pal had our love and support. Was that fair? No, Gram could have used some too. And she should have had just as much as Pal did.

And unfortunately, things just continued to turn upside down for the two of them. Before Pal could start treatment for his cancer, his ticker (heart) began acting up, to the point where he was hospitalized in the CICU (Cardiac Intensive Care Unit) with an angina attack, just after Christmas of 1998. Again, the family looked towards Gram for strength and courage, instead of allowing her to look to us for her strength and courage.

During that time, not only did the family fail Gram, but the medical system did as well. You see Grandpa's angina attack was caused by a leaky valve. The only way to repair that valve was for him to undergo angioplasty. And the only hospital that does that type of procedure is VGH (Vancouver General). And this was where the system failed both of them. Instead of being able to come home and rest and then check himself into VGH for the procedure, Pal had to remain in the Cardiac Step down unit at Surrey Memorial. Had he come home, then he would have been placed on a waiting list and not had the procedure until approximately August of 1999. As long as he remained in Surrey Memorial, then he was further up the wait list and in fact, would be considered almost an emergency type of case.

Again the family (myself included) leaned on Gram instead of the other way, especially when we were told by Pal's cardiologist that even if he had the procedure, it was no guarantee that the problem would be corrected. And worse, if we chose to wait until August, no guarantee he (Pal) would live that long. So early January 1999, Pal was transferred to VGH, had the procedure and was home a few days later.

But at this time, things went from bad to worse. For one of the medications he had to take from then on was IMHO the absolute worst he could have been placed on. It was called Prednisone and the following link explains in detail all the information;

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/druginfo/medmaster/a601102.html

IMHO this drug needs to be banned from use. Surely with all the technology/research at scientist's disposal, someone somewhere could come up with a drug that works the same as Prednisone but without the deadly side effects. Perhaps later, I'll open up the blog for discussion about the dangers of Prednisone, but now back to the history lesson.

We settled into somewhat of a "normal" routine, and things seemed to be going along quite smoothly. There was even talk of Gram and Pal resuming their ballroom dancing outings for seniors (outings that had been interrupted by knee replacement surgery for Gram). But it was not to be, for on June 3, 1999 our world was once again rocked by an unexpected medical diagnosis. It was nothing to do with Pal, this time it dealt with Gram. She had been diagnosed with Parkinson's (see the following link for information);

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parkinson's_disease

Again with Pal's health continuing to deteriorate, Gram couldn't look to him for support or to help her deal with this devastating news. She couldn't even look to the family (most of us were still so wrapped up with dealing with Pal---who was trying to decide the best course of treatment to deal with his cancer---as for me, I was dealing with my own personal crisis of trying to find a job). So Gram just soldiered on alone, which as I found out later is the absolute worst thing a Parkinson's sufferer can do.

So fast forward to May of 2000. Once again Grandpa had to be hospitalized with heart problems. IMHO, they were probably caused by the damn Prednisone. About this time, although as a family we were never officially told, (Gram possibly had been---to this day I haven't had the heart to ask her), Pal began showing signs of CHF (Congestive Heart Failure). In fact, Gram and Grandpa's 61st Wedding Anniversary was spent in Surrey Memorial. If Gram had been told about the CHF, this time she chose not to tell the family, because she knew she wouldn't be able to depend on us for support.

Now come forward even further to September 2000, September 14, 2000 to be exact. That day I met with Dr. Kalsi (Gram, Pal and I shared the same family physician) on what I thought was a routine personal matter. Well it turned out to be anything but routine. To this day I don't know what possessed me, but I found myself asking Dr. Kalsi how much longer Pal had. Dr. Kalsi told me that Pal had at most 6 months, which meant if we were lucky, he would live to see his 84th Birthday. I chose not to say anything because I knew that Pal was scheduled for his own appointment the next day, and felt it best that he and Gram hear the devastating news from a medical professional. In a way, you could say that I was protecting both of them. You see, although Pal had the angioplasty and was advised to cut down on red meat, he wouldn't, instead choosing to live by his favorite saying "I'm living on borrowed time anyway."

So knowing that we had a limited amount of time left, I spent it worrying and trying to help Pal (again forgetting Gram and her needs). In fact, by this time Pal, had become wheelchair bound, the Prednisone having weakened his body so much. And in a way, it had weakened his immune system too. He, Gram and my Mother had been out somewhere earlier in July and he had unfortunately taken a tumble and had some scrapes on his arm. Well, we treated those ourselves and thought they had healed on their own. Unfortunately, because of IMHO the Prednisone, and unbeknownst to us, Pal had become susceptible to infections and didn't have the immune system to fight them with. So, on Sunday Sept 17th, 1999, we had to take him to emergency after his arm became swollen and infected in the general area of the scrapes from the fall.

Again, the health-care system failed him and Gram. He was diagnosed with septicemia (following link for more information; http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/001355.htm) and instead of being admitted to the hospital for aggressive treatment, he was treated as an outpatient. And on Monday September 18, 2000 during his treatment, Pal died. Mind you, as Gram told Gary and I later, she speculated that the medical team treating Pal, were talking about taking his arm off surgically to save his life. Well for anyone who knew my Grandfather, to live without an arm, would have been to him a fate worse than death.

And again, the family (me included) instead of reaching out to Gram and letting her grieve the loss of the man she loved and had known for close to 8 decades (76 years---married for 61), expected her to support us and our grief.

Come forward to today, almost 7 years after Pal died. As I said earlier, the worst thing a Parkinson's sufferer can do is deal with stressful issues by themselves. The result is that the tremors become so bad, they can hardly hold onto anything much less help the caregiver help them. So having realized that through researching the disease as well as trial and error, I not only encourage Gram to talk about what is bothering her, I try not to make any decisions that could cause the tremors to flare up.

As you know from my previous post, we found a stray Mother Cat and family in April, with the additional brood born one week ago today. Now well meaning family and friends have told me we need to get rid of some and I have to play the heavy and do it. I won't. The decision as to which cats will stay and which will go, has to be done by my Mother upon her return. The biggest reason why I can't/won't is the effect the cats are having on Gram. She's more cheerful, she talks more, wants to do more things. Where before we had the cats, I feel she was just marking time until she rejoined my Grandfather. Even Dr. Kalsi has noticed a marked improvement and this from a man who was ready to write Gram's obituary for about this time next year.

So to my well meaning friends and family and ultimately the point of this entire post, is do not under any circumstances expect me to make decisions for Gram or about Gram that will have a negative affect on her Parkinson's. And for those of you who insist on telling me "you know what I am going through." You don't!!! Not unless you have lived with a Parkinson's sufferer 24/7/365. Until you have walked a mile in my shoes dealing with this problem, please don't claim otherwise.

More Later I'm sure

PS. As I finally type the last few sentences, Vic, and Figaro Jr. are on top of Gram while Tiger tucked himself beside her left shoulder and arm after I put her to bed. Very comforting for a woman who hasn't had a true reason to enjoy what life has to offer since the spring of 1996

What a feeling...

2007-09-09T11:55:00.000-07:00

An incredible feeling.

As you may or may not know, earlier this year Gram and I were blessed with a stray cat and 5 kittens. (Belle-Mama Cat had given birth to them in the crawl space of our house). Well after several weeks, we coaxed her in to bringing the kittens in to our house and adopting us as their human servants.

Unfortunately and against my better judgment, I continued to let Belle go outside without getting her "fixed". Well, I paid for it the hard way, because she became pregnant again. Luckily for female cats, they only have to carry their young 65 days (or 9 weeks) whereas female humans must carry their young for 252 days (or 9 months).

Well, yesterday was Belle's 65th day and right on schedule she began delivering her newest litter (if anybody asks me what sex they are---prepare to be shot---long story for another post). The first three to pop out were ginger colored (orange for those who wish to be technical). The fourth one to make an appearance was ginger and white (which means that the Tom Cat who was Daddy to the first bunch is also Daddy to this bunch---the markings are identical), the fifth one is absolutely as black as coal.

So I figured since she delivered five last time, that's what she was presenting us with this time. See I was privileged enough to be by Belle's side (she trusted me) not only in case of a problem developing, but for morale support as well. And with Belle's blessing I even held a couple of them, beginning their education of human handling.

The joke is on me again. As I was telling her what a great job she did and how proud Gram and I were of her, Belle went into contractions again. And to my astonishment out popped number 6, a perfect little calico-colored cat.

So now we have 12 (including Mom Cat). A decision as to what we are doing with them will not be made until the newest ones are safely weaned, a mistake I made with a cat that I had as a youngster (took him from his mother too soon).

As for Belle and her days of going outside. No way, not until she is fixed this time!!!! I don't care what anybody says, I'm not that irresponsible when it comes to increasing the pet population.

Pictures soon.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend. I know I will.

You know your tired when

2007-08-29T18:50:00.000-07:00

of all things, changing a cat litter box makes you hungry.

Earlier tonight, I was as I like to tell my cat family, cleaning their bathrooms (aka litter boxes). I entirely dumped out the old cat litter into a garbage bag and then took the tray to the the sink and prepared it to be scrubbed out. (I'm super cautious, I don't scoop litter out, I empty and replace after cleaning).

While I was scrubbing out the second one, I noticed a strange feeling coming over me. Stopping for a minute, I began analyzing what that feeling was and to my astonishment/embarrassment realized it was hunger pangs. I had to laugh as I realized the significance of what I was doing. Cleaning out a litter box that our cats do their business in was making me hungry for food. Strange very strange.

Not sure what to make of it. Maybe after a goodnight sleep it will become clear but right now, who knows.

Pleasant dreams everyone

You never know who you'll meet when...

2007-07-06T13:02:00.000-07:00

you are taking out the garbage. You see with Monday being a holiday (in lieu of Sunday being the actual day), our garbage day is one day later this week.

Well, while organizing the recycling bins, I met up with our mail-person (it is actually a man, but in these days of political correctness) who had just started delivering today's mail on our block.

Of course, being polite, we spoke to each other and as he noticed my Edmonton Eskimos shirt, he asked if I was an Edmonton fan. I said I was and was startled by his response.

He said "Me too, I can't stand the Lions." and before I could respond he was on his way down our street delivering the mail to our neighbors.

And I realized as I came into the house that yes this was Friday and anything unusual that happens to me can and does happen either on a Friday or a Monday

My take on the Chris Benoit tragedy

2007-06-30T17:11:00.000-07:00

While a lot of people continue to speculate that the horrific acts committed against Nancy and Daniel Benoit by Chris Benoit were the result of steroid usage, I disagree.

Something in this whole thing is fishy to me. For example when Chris's co-workers received the now famous text messages, why weren't the police notified immediately. Why did the WWE wait so long especially when one of the co-workers stated that Chris's "I love you" comment was out of character.

Based on the following timeline; http://www.impactwrestling.com/Content.aspx?ID=12011

I have a strong feeling that Vince McMahon and the WWE organization are covering up their involvement (?) in this tragedy.

For one thing, Chris's Wikipedia entry was changed at 12:01am on Monday June 25th, way before anyone knew what had happened to him and his family.

Now all of sudden, there is an anonymous poster admitting he was the one who changed the entry, during a chat with other online buddies. Still to even speculate that Nancy was dead as the reason behind Chris' no show at the PPV event in Texas on Sunday June 24th, is odd to me. You see the posting was made from an IP address in Stanford, Connecticut, where WWE's head office is located. And why is this anonymous poster refusing to identify himself, (I know if I did something like that, I would own up to it and identify myself). Could it be that he was an employee of the WWE and is now being set up as the fall guy.

Although the toxicology reports are not in as yet, my feelings about the tragedy are that Chris Benoit is being set-up to be the fall guy/scapegoat for this.

My take on this is, yes Daniel was developmentally challenged (he was seven years old and just finishing kindergarten? Most kids his age, would be ready to enter grade 2). I have a feeling that Chris had promised Nancy that when Daniel did start school he (Chris) would be home more to help (any pictures I've seen of Chris and Daniel together show a father who doted on his little boy), and I don't think Vince or the WWE board were too happy about that, especially since they wanted Chris to help train younger wrestlers on ECW (where he had just been transferred to).

So I have a feeling that Vince or someone on the board perhaps, took matters into their own hands and decided to send someone (goons, perhaps) down to reason with Chris (may even have included Chavo Guerrero, who knows) and convince him his career was more important than his family. This would explain the presence of the empty wine bottle and beer cans.

Something else that bothers me. Daniel was choked by a wrestling hold and yet Nancy was strangled with a wire around her neck (hands and feet were bound). If Chris was as strong as everybody claimed why not do the same thing to both of them.

My gut instinct says this is actually what happened. Chris gets a phone call from Nancy to return home because of "an emergency". He does and finds the goons sitting with his wife and son. The goons deliver the message from the WWE. Chris tells them to tell whoever sent the message, to take a long walk off a short pier, his family comes first. At some point Daniel is taken out of the room (was he drugged, who knows) and Chris is forced to watch as the goons kill Nancy. They then give Chris another chance to fulfill his obligations to the WWE. He again tells them to go to Hades and later that day is either forced to (perhaps at gun point) kill Daniel himself or watch as it is done. Then Chris is ganged upon again, the goons telling him, he has now has no reason not to continue with the WWE. Chris tells them, not only is he leaving the WWE, he will go public with what's happened. So, the goons (may have received further instructions) that if Chris still refuses to co-operate, off him and make it look like a suicide.

Chris was found hanging from one of his weight machines. Most weight machines I know about work on pulleys and the person using them is in front of the weights pulling on them. How would Chris be able to hold the weights in place while he fixed the rope around himself, and then let go. Something strange about that whole scenario.

And the steroids found in the house. I'll bet they were ordered over the Net by someone using Chris Benoit's name (don't forget about ID theft).

No, unfortunately the true answers about this tragedy will never come out, and quite possibly a man who was innocent of doing this, will take the blame for something he had nothing to do with, other than putting them as priority number 1 in his life.

I'm so angry I could chew wood and spit nails

2007-06-16T20:35:00.000-07:00

It turns out that I was right about the subject of my previous post. Diane (my biological Mother[unfortunately for me]) did know that my Great Aunt Win was in a care facility and for whatever unacceptable reason chose not to tell either Gram or myself. So we were the only ones who didn't know. Nicely done people. And now you know why, I hardly ever discuss my family other than Gram. Most of people are proud of their families, not me. I'm so pissed off right now I wish I had a couple of 2 x 4 pieces of wood to chew on, if for no other reason than to spit the nails at my so called family.

This makes me wonder if the situation were reversed and it was my late Grandfather, still living and my Grandmother who had passed, would the family be pulling the same stunts and worse being allowed to get away with them. Because as of right now, my Grandmother's attitude is one of "What I don't know won't hurt me." Hard to say if the family would still do it, but I suspect they would if they could.

I know I shouldn't let this bother me as much as I do, but it does for one good reason. Diane and Gary (my Uncle) both had exactly the same upbringing I did and yet I'm the only to remember what it all was.

At least now I know my decision is clear. Once my duties to Gram are done, and I have my share of her estate, *poof* I am out of this family, and as far away from them as possible. Until then, I know I must spend as little time with them as possible so as not to become contaminated by whatever illness has befallen them.

Fed Up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-06-08T18:33:00.000-07:00

That's right, I am fed up with my entire family. Ever since March of this year, they have kept the news that my Great Aunt Win was no longer living in her home, but instead residing in a care facility from both my Grandmother (her sister-in-law) and myself.

Gram and I didn't find out until we were notified of her passing 1 week ago tomorrow. To say I was shocked was a mild understatement. I pretended as though I had known, just to keep my short-fused temper in check, but believe me, I'm hurt by this and I know Gram is too.

At this point, I am lumping my Mother in with the bunch that kept it from us. I have e-mailed her (she's in a different part of the country for the summer), to ask if she was aware and so far she is avoiding answering the question (which says to me until she says otherwise, she knew as well).

When confronted about it on the trip home from the service, My Uncle said "I thought you guys knew." No apologies, just that statement. It feels like Gram and I are no longer part of the family (and yet Gram is the matriarch of our clan).

This was just the latest in a series of events that have made it clear to me that once my responsibilities to Gram are complete, I want to get out of here and as far away from this family as possible (if I could change my name I would). Even at family functions, Gram and I are not included in the conversation. Instead it centers on the stock market (my cousin is training to work in that field). Gram and I are just wallpaper as far as that side of the family is concerned. It has been like that since the passing almost one year ago of my cousin's Mother-in-law.

That's fine though, because after the incident on Wednesday, where Gram got car sick, because my stubborn Uncle thought he knew a better way than I did to get to My Great Aunt's funeral, I saw our Doctor yesterday (Gram and I both have the same GP). While the reason for my seeing him was routine, the discussion was anything but. When I told him what happened, his response was to take a strip off me up one side and down the other, which I still feel I deserved for not being a better caregiver for Gram on the Wednesday.

Our Doctor has also laid the law down. For any future family function, if Gram and I go we must use Handy-Dart. If Handy-Dart can't get us to the location, then we don't go, and the next family function happens to be in an area that Handy-Dart doesn't go, so we can't go.

Our Doctor also hit the roof when he found out that the family had kept us from knowing about Aunt Win's current living arrangements. I wonder how big of an extra hole in back side he would have ripped, had he known we had kept Gram from knowing one of her Great-granddaughters had tried to commit suicide (another post entirely).

More to come rest assured, but right now, I'm too PO'd to write much more.

Tough Day...

2007-06-06T21:55:00.000-07:00

Today turned out to be a lot tougher than I thought. While it was the 63rd anniversary of D-day (June 6, 1944), for myself and other members of my extended family, this was also the day we said our final goodbyes to Aunt Win (the subject of my previous post).

The day started innocently enough. I got woken at around 4am my time by my fur-babies (another post entirely) and after feeding them, and letting Mom Cat out for her Mommy moment, sat down in the living room watching them and trying to plan what I would wear (while not a church goer in the traditional sense, I wanted to look sharp in memory of Aunt Win). Once that was done, I got Gram up, dressed and helped her with Breakfast. After that, I applied her make-up, finished getting ready and then all that was needed was for my Uncle to pick us up.

As we got into the car, I was prepared to let him handle the directions himself (he has lived in this city for nearly 40 years, so I assumed he would know what he was doing, without any back seat driving from me). Brother was I wrong with absolutely disastrous results. What should have been a smooth 1/2 hr drive from our place to the church where services were held, took 45 minutes and the most convoluted way of getting to a place I have ever seen in my life. (*growling at memory*) See, I had been at this same church several years ago for the funeral of my Great Uncle Cecil, as well as having worked in the area. I should have gone with my original plan which was to compare notes with my Uncle before we left.

We went in so many different directions (all because my Uncle was using a computerized map from Google [*growling again*]) and refusing help (stubborn fool), that by the time we arrived, Gram who is not used to long car trips anymore had gotten car sick. She goes in Handy-Dart. We thought of canceling out and returning home, but by the saving grace of yours truly we were able to keep our commitment. You see, because of the weather here (overcast and drizzly), I had put Gram's raincoat on her before I left, doing it up with the buttons, to keep her warm. So when she got sick at the stomach, it was on the raincoat not what she was wearing. Well, we got inside, and paid our respects. It was quite the lovely service, complete with Aunt Win's favorite hymn's and scripture. I felt for my cousins though. Three of them got up to speak and it was all they could do to hold back the tears. You see Aunt Win was like a Second Mother to them (their own one being no picnic---another blog entry perhaps) and her loss was still hitting them quite hard. I was proud of myself for another reason, I was worried about keeping it together, but I shouldn't have been. Aunt Win was more than just my Great Aunt, she was also a terrific friend and a tireless supporter of whatever I chose to do.

Well because of what happened to Gram before we arrived, Uncle Gary and I made the decision to skip the reception, trying to prevent a possible repeat performance on the way home. And this is the other part that is making me PO'd right now. By passing up the reception it meant that Gram didn't get to see her nieces and nephews from her late husband's side of the family. All because my Uncle had to been a stubborn twit and do things his way, including complaining about how the map was screwed up every two seconds, instead of asking for help. I kept dropping hints that I knew where we were from having worked in the area, but the stubborn fool wouldn't accept them.

Two hard lessons I have learned from this day. 1) Never again will I get in the car when my Uncle is driving without comparing notes to ensure we have the quickest way possible to get to our destination and: 2) Anytime Gram and I have to go somewhere for a family function, instead of relying on my idiotic family to pick us up, I will personally track down the destination information and book Handy-Dart.

Anyway, this isn't a day to be complaining on. This is the day where we celebrate the life of a wonderful person.

Win E. 1912-2007 R.I.P. You will be missed but never forgotten

Guilt...

2007-06-02T19:58:00.000-07:00

Why do people always say they are going to do something and then never do it. I'm just as guilty of that as the next person, only now I have more guilt to deal with because of it.

I had a Great Aunt, who I loved very dearly and loved me unconditionally. I had phoned her a few times, just to see how she was and to let her know Gram and I were still thinking of her (she was my late Grandfather's oldest sister). Well. as usually happens, the phone calls began tapering off (my fault, not Aunt Winnie's) because as much as I wanted to phone her, something always seemed to come up. I realize now I was just using that as an excuse (I have always hated phoning people) to not phone her.

Yah, I would think about doing it, but then something else would come up, and I'd forget to do it. Well now I no longer have to worry about doing it. You see my Great Aunt died today. And now I have to live with the guilt I feel inside for not picking up the phone, just one more time, even if it was only to say hello.

Please let this be a reminder to all of us, no matter how busy we are. If you have elderly relatives or relatives that you hardly speak too, call them up and just say hello. It's a lot easier to do that, than to have to deal with the guilt by not doing it

Double Standard

2007-03-20T03:01:00.000-07:00

Is there a double standard when it comes to rape and incest that says it can't happen to a man or that a man should be able to take better care of himself, including being able to escape the abusive situation. You wouldn't think so, but I'm seeing a situation develop that is forcing me to rethink my views on that.

Should there be? IMHO, no. Victims of abuse (physical, sexual, incestuous) are just that victims, and because of that gender should not play a role in whether probing questions are asked.

I belong to an online group (names of it, and people involved are being withheld for privacy reasons). We have a case where a male member needs help because of being a victim of sexual abuse. When he came to the group seeking help, he notified and explained to the hosts only (which I have no problem with) the details of his horrific situation.

Yet as I attempted to tactfully offer him moral support while he struggles to recover from the horror he has gone through (feeling that in time he would be able to talk about what happened without becoming emotional), I watched with dread as another member without IMHO meaning too, come across as rather demanding in wanting to know the circumstances surrounding his request for help.

I mentioned this to one of the hosts in private, trying to encourage the hosts to require the use of a bit more diplomacy and tact, because it is a difficult issue to talk about, only to see the opposite happen. Is it because the victim in this incident is a man, who is according to definition supposed to be the strong one, the provider, able to look after himself. I wonder if a female member of that group asked for help citing the same reasons, would members be more sympathetic, or would they still demand the same type of answers. I honestly don't know. One thing I do know is while the questions may be legitimate ones, we must remember we are not the victim and respect his right to privacy, especially if he is not ready not to have to discuss things with the public. IMHO that is one reason so many victims do not come forward, because they are made to feel it was their fault, they brought this on themselves, etc.

And of course, the other part of the equation is this. What if the member turns out to be a fraud. Well, it will be a lesson well learned for me.

Regardless of whether this member is telling the truth or not, I still stand by an old saying "You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar." Meaning should this member be a fraud, to encourage him to post the material that would trip him up is better than driving him away by being too rough.

Just my opinion.

I need to switch gears for a minute...

2007-01-19T12:34:00.000-08:00

and stop complaining about my Mother. Not to worry, I will get back to that subject (because there is still so much more to tell).

Right now though, I need to express my thoughts on an entirely different subject.

Picture it if you will. A small town in Alberta, Canada. Date, early 1970's. A young girl is in elementary school, when she notices another young girl, who is actually trying not to be noticed. Soon, the two become fast friends and even the teachers notice the difference in both girls. Sure, there are days when the one girl is not in school for whatever reason, it didn't matter then and it doesn't matter now. All that mattered was the girls knew that each would be there for the other, no matter what.

Come forward two years, the two girls were now in juinor high, facing the problems most teenagers face. Unbeknownst to anyone, not even the young girl who had befriended her, the other girl faced more than just the problems teenagers face. She was living in a nightmare at home as well. Then one day, when the two girls had plans to spend the day together (ironically, on a day their report cards were issued), the other girl realized what was going on, as the father of the young girl who missed school on different occasions sometimes for days at a time, saw the report card and for a split-second, his peaceful demeanor changed.

Now come forward 25 years. By this time, the two girls had lost touch. although one never stopped thinking about the other. And the picture has changed from a small town in Alberta, Canada to a larger one in British Columbia, Canada. Very early one morning one of the girls got a phone call, she had never stopped hoping for. It was the childhood friend, she cared so much about. And to the delight of both, the friendship resumed as though it had never been interrupted in the first place.

Yes that story was about me and a very dear friend. And the father who facade changed that fateful day. He had been physically abusing the daughter. Little did I know to what extent until I began reading some of her journal entries. I am choosing not to name the friend at this point, because she didn't know I was going to do this and I have always had a policy of not naming people by name without their permission.

I post this because I want the friend to know, how much she means to me and how much I wish I could have done more to help her during those 25 years we were apart.

As with my other posts, this too will be continued.

Happy Friday and I wish everyone a good weekend.

And yah, I forgot the best part...

2006-12-06T21:05:00.000-08:00

On Monday, I decided to let Mom cook supper. Don't worry I was sous-chef, so all burners were turned off as we finished using them.

Well, she made Pasta Primivera (we actually didn't have all the ingredients we needed for the dish we were going to do, so we improvised). Well, she used our giant pot (normally used for corn on the cob or large amounts of mashed potatoes) to cook the pasta for three of us. No problem with using it, she just has a problem cleaning it. Mind you it only had water, a bit of salt, and a few drops of olive oil, so it wasn't overly dirty. So it sat until today when she tried sneaking it into the dishwasher. It fits but it causes a problem with the upper rack. So while she was out, I whipped it out of the dishwasher and within 3 minutes had it washed, rinsed, dried and put away.

Many of you may not know this, but I am a fan of the TV series "How Clean is Your House?" Well after the few cleaning mishaps we have had with Mother, I can just picture one of the stars of that show, namely Kim Woodburn taking a strip off my Mother up one side and down the other for some of her antics.

I truly feel if all Dictionaries, (not just for children) were Picture Dictionaries, you could find a picture of my Mother under the definition of sheer laziness.

And I haven't even mentioned, her spray painting job on our fridge.

That will be my next tale of disaster.

Until then, may I wish all of you a pleasant evening

And Brother does it get better....

2006-12-06T18:23:00.000-08:00

or should that be Mother does it get worse.

Where to start today. I think I mentioned she is dangerous around fire-related objects. That is true even of the clothes dryer. I made the mistake of going out on Tuesday and letting her and the gal that comes in to give me some respite care with looking after my Grandmother do the laundry. The laundry wasn't the problem, it was when it got put in the dryer. Neither of them thought to check or empty the lint catcher, which when I went to use the dryer today was so full of lint, it was actually falling off the catcher.

Okay, I can live with that, because I will always check the lint catcher (I guess I'll just have to remember to do it before allowing her to use the dryer), but it was only the start of things to come.

I mentioned in an earlier post about her making plans to see one of our cousins in a remote part of the province and how I had spent twenty minutes showing her the links and sites she needed to use. Well, she tried it on her own computer today and had to have me come into her bedroom and reshow her because she was having a problem. A problem that was very obvious to me as soon as I saw what she had done. She had been using a search engine and had selected pages from Canada instead of letting the search engine do its work, and couldn't figure out why it wasn't working. I haven't told her yet that when searching for a Canadian company which provides services for International tourists, you do not search strictly in Canada.

Right now I wish I had an emoticon that showed a person banging its head against a brick wall, because that is what I feel I am doing when it comes to my Mother.

The clincher was when I began using our Microwave to thaw out some homemade Chili for supper. I don't mind the fact that occasionally Mom will interrupt it to warm up her cup of coffee. What I do mind is when that is finished, is her not putting it back or giving me a heads up so I can restart it.

I quizzed her about that tonight when she returned from doing some errands, (and surprised myself by not losing my temper). Her answer almost made me say something sarcastic however. She replied by apologizing and saying that she "she wasn't with it." Well for those of you who know my relationship with my biological mother, yes was tempting to say "when are you ever with it!!!", but for Gram's sake and mine, I kept my mouth shut.

Still more fun to come, you can rest assured of that.

Have you ever had the urge to ask

2006-12-03T21:06:00.000-08:00

someone famous (either living or dead) a question. More often than not lately I am finding I would. And the person I would like to question is the world famous author, Mr. Fyodor Dostoesvsky. I would love to know how when he wrote his favorite work, THE IDIOT, he was able to use my Mother as his inspiration. You see, she hadn't even been thought of yet, and neither had my Grandparents. So how did he know to write about her.

The latest disasters were tonight. I made the mistake of letting her back around the stove, because she wanted to cook dinner. Thankfully, the meal was pre-made (it was a store bought pizza), but still, I have to know better than to let her anywhere near fire. She lit the oven fine and the pizza (with black olives and mushrooms added courtesy of my Mother---yes she's safer around sharp objects) cooked fine. The problem developed when she took the pizza out of the oven. She forgot to turn the oven off. AAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHH. Oh well, I suppose it could have been worse. The only way we found out about it was because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get the rest of the house to warm up. See, our stove/oven is gas fired as is our furnace, so whenever the oven is used, it takes all the heat and the rest of the house gets cold.

The other problem is she is planning on going to visit our cousin in a remote area of this province. Well, they gave her instructions on what to do to get there (other than by driving), but she couldn't figure them out. It took me almost twenty minutes to get through to her by using my computer and internet connections (thank heavens for password protection) and show her the sites and what she needs to do to find her way.

I have said it before and I'll say it again. WHAT IS THIS FAMILY OF MINE GOING TO DO WITHOUT ME!!!!

More to come rest assured of that.

One other thing on the subject of my previous post

2006-11-29T18:41:00.000-08:00

Not only had Mother dearest turned on the oven without lighting it, but she also managed to blow out a pilot lite that lites one of the burners on the stove and couldn't figure out why it wouldn't stay lit after she had relit it. AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH. She means well I know, but heaven help us if she doesn't do a mischief to either Gram or I.

Stay tuned

Don't let Adults around fire producing objects...

2006-11-29T18:34:00.000-08:00

We always tell kids not to play with matches or fire. Well I think someone forgot to tell the adults the same thing, especially when the adults don't know what in blazes (pardon the pun) they are doing.

My Mother (who would forget her head if it wasn't attached) in an effort to make things nice for my Grandmother, has been cleaning up Gram's house. I would have done it (except for reasons I am choosing not to divulge at this time). Well today, Mother dearest was cleaning the stove, and managed for reasons I still don't understand to just barely turn on the oven, so the house was filling up with the smell of leaking gas. It took until I came out of my bedroom before I discovered the cause of the problem. I don't know how long it had been like that but it was long enough let me tell you.

For those of you reading this blog who know of the personal issues between my Mother and myself, let me just add, "I knew when she came home from her summer sabbatical my work load would double!!!!!"

More to come let me tell you.

Yes Virginia, there is a solution to help stamp out

2006-06-11T22:20:00.000-07:00

abuse and I am surprised no one has thought of it sooner. Maybe because it is too obvious.

This can help not only victims of physical abuse but those who have been sexually abused as well.

The solution is to get enough known survivors of childhood physical and sexual abuse for two groups. Ensure there is a good mix of both types in each group. (Example. If the total amount of participants is 20---then two groups of 10).

One group is the control group, that group gets anything and everything medically available to assist with the healing process.

The other group is the test group. This group receives no medical help at all.

Track both groups until each study member has reached the predetermined age of adulthood. (lets say you track the groups from the age of 14 until the participants have all reached the age of 25).

If this works, it should show the likelihood of abuse victims becoming abusers and start the process of healing victims at a young age. Thereby you ensure that a suitable treatment plan for each victim of abuse is in place to help the healing process.

And if you notice, I still haven't involved the Child Protective Service Agencies (whatever they are called in each region). I'll explain why later.

Comments? Questions?

The suggestions in the following link are nothing...

2006-06-02T07:30:00.000-07:00

more than a band-aid solution.

http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/01062006/2/xhealth-75-cent-women-shelters-risk-murdered-study.html

What the study authors are suggesting will do nothing to protect women/or men from the abusive partner. Instead of telling governments they need to fix the legal system so that those who abuse are dealt with as criminals, they are saying "give us more money for social housing, job assistance, etc.

It's fine to put an abuse victim into a new house, but short of a legal name change, abusers can and do still find their victims, with tragic results. And let's face it, if abusers are having difficulty locating their victims, there are private eyes who can do it for them.

No, IMHO the only solution is to treat abusers like criminals (toughen penalties and enforcement procedures). Then as soon as an abuser is charged, issue an automatic restraining order with a copy to the local police department. Then if the order is not enforced, charge the police officers with aiding and abetting a known criminal.

Mind you, there are ways around a restraining order and the abuser doesn't have to be directly involved. Guaranteed, there are sleazy private eyes who know people who will take care of things while the abuser sets up a perfect alibi. The case that comes to mind is not O.J. Simpson, but of a provincial politician here in Canada, Colin Thatcher.

He was convicted of murdering his ex-wife Joanne Wilson, and is just now getting full parole. The case was built on circumstanial evidence, and Thatcher, who still maintains his innocence, claimed he was having dinner out of town when the murder took place. Maybe he was and maybe he wasn't, but I do know this. He and his family were wealthy enough, they could have hired someone to do the deed.

Even restraining orders aren't perfect, that's why anyone accused of abuse, needs to be locked up until their trial. Stop victimizing the victims of abuse, by slapping abusers on the wrist and saying "that was naughty, don't do it again."

More to come

My dear friend SB...

2006-05-31T22:10:00.000-07:00

has pointed out something that I didn't realize I was doing. Instead of being gender neutral in my postings, I tended to leave an impression that only members of the male sex were abusers.

That was never my intention and I do apologize for those statements. My intention was to show that both men and women can be abusers/just as both can be involved in abusive relationships.

While fathers/males get the rap for most cases of physical abuse, mothers are just as bad. However it seems that the justice system tends to find excuses to justify the females abusive tendencies (post-partum depression; depression; and any other forms of mental illness you can find.

Also while males tend to be more physically abusive, females and mothers are more emotionally abusive (you're not worthy; you'll never amount to anything; etc). And those are just the common phrases they use.

In my case, my Mother abandoned her parental responsibilities a year after I was born (she and my Father were divorced---she got custody; he never even had visitation rights). I was raised and nutured in a loving home by my Maternal Grandparents, however I still feel the sting of that abandonment all these years later.

That's why we need Parenting classes to start as early as possible and for all new Mothers, they need some sort of caregiver just after they get home from the hospital, someone who, although she is helping the new Mom adjust is also the Children's advocate, having been professionally trained to watch for signs of post-partum depression. And if a case occurs, help the new Mom to realize what's going on and what she can do to control/stop it, but at the same time protect the kids (remember Andrea Yates).

The other part of my idea, SB disagrees with is allowing police to investigate alleged incidents of abuse just on the word of a neighbor. I can see what he is getting at. For example, Neighbor A and his wife love the current arrangement of the block (no kids allowed or so they think), when all of a sudden, right next door Neighbor B moves in with 6 bratty kids all under the age of 6 years. So as way to get rid of Neighbor B, Neighbor A goes to the police and says (I think my next door neighbor is abusing his/her kids). So the police arrest Neighbor B based on that suspicion.

Here's the solution to that dilema. I don't know about the laws in Sweden, SB, but here in Canada, if it turns out Neighbor A was wrong about what Neighbor B was doing to his/her kids, then Neighbor A can face criminal charges such as criminal mischief, filing a false police report, not to mention the possibility that Neighbor B, could file a civil lawsuit against Neighbor A for defamation of character.

So IMHO if someone came across a case of child/spousal abuse and reported it, they are going to be sure of their facts based on what could happen to them if they're wrong.

To be continued, and added to in terms of elder abuse

I've been thinking....

2006-05-29T18:56:00.000-07:00

and I realized that this discussion has been about preventing child/spousal abuse in the future, when the real crisis is how do we help those members of society who are being abused/neglected today. That may be the only way to end abuse and abusive relationships in the future.

A friend made an interesting comment once, when she said "It takes a village to raise a child." Looking back over my formative years, I realize that statement is very true, because I was one kid who if she tried anything illegal, my grandparents would have known about it five minutes later, that's how well known I was in my neighborhood.

Ok, if the village/neighborhood is going to help a family raise its child, make it legally responsible for getting involved. There is a law in France, which makes it illegal for someone who comes upon an accident not to give assistance to those who may have been injured in that accident. A variation of that to help stamp out abuse may be, that if Neighbor A is an abuser and Neighbor B suspects that he is and doesn't report him, and as a result Neighbor A is able to kill his spouse/child(ren) then Neighbor B is charged with being an accessory after the fact.

I want to take a moment to relate an incident which still haunts me to this day. An extemely close childhood friend of mine was a victim of abuse by a parent. I knew about it and to this day, it haunts me that I didn't do anything to help end the suffering. And to make matters worse, we lived just up the street from a police officer.

That's where I see the first step to stopping abuse. Give the local police forces authority that if someone reports a suspected case abuse (either children or spouse), they can go in and investigate. No longer do they have to wait until court orders are obtained to protect a family. I know of a case right here, where a woman was in the hospital recovering from an attack by her husband and had a restraining order saying that the husband was not to come within xamount of yards of her or her family. Well, guess what, the husband violated that order, walked into the hospital, up to his wife's room and shot both her and her mother dead, before fleeing the scene. And when police finally caught up to him, he was dead of a self-inflicted wound. A copy of the restraining order was apparently attached to the woman's chart at the foot of the bed. Restraining orders don't work. What will work is putting child/spousal abuse into the criminal code with tough penalties and make abusers criminals as well as those who aid and abet them by covering things up, though not the victims.

When an abuser is caught, don't charge him with simple abuse (or whatever passes as a criminal charge these days); they need to be charged with assault or if a weapon (like a belt) is used, assault causing bodily harm and assault with a weapon. It's time to stop continuing to victimize the abuse victims and insteaad put the guilt where it belongs, at the feet of those who abuse. Secondly, once the abusers are charged, no bail, to protect the victims. Then the victims should be allowed a restraining order against the members of the abusers family to prevent retaliation for the supposed embarrassment being caused by having this go public.

Then once convicted, the maximum sentence under each charge is applied, no appeal allowed and definitely no shortening of sentences (either by appeal or time off for good behavior) should ever be allowed.

A friend on her blog, the Canuckian; http://wtg.braveblog.com has a link to a story where a judge shortened a convicted abusers sentence. Any judge who does that in the future, should be facing an automatic criminal misconduct investigation.

The only way abuse is going to be stopped is strong mandatory changes to the criminal code and the justice systems of the world.

To be continued

While we continue to debate the best course of...

2006-05-28T03:31:00.000-07:00

action to deal with abusers and potential abusers, the statistics continue to pile up. This is a link to the latest incident;

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060528/ap_on_re_us/children_killed

And this was a Doctor; an educated man. The kids were four and eight years old.

I for one am tired of talking. We need decisive action and we need it now.

The parenting idea is good, but we can't wait until they are in their twenties before we start teaching them. Kids today are having sex as young as 14 or 15, so the high schools need to have this parenting course in place. And course cannot be taught by a teacher/adult. The best way to get through to kids is to have it be taught by other kids, kids who have been there done that and can mentor the kids who are still free from doing that.

I know for a fact that a lot of kids, who are from abusive homes, look at their first relationship with a boy as a way to break free from the abuse. Without this course, they could be going from one abusive relationship (parent) to another (spouse), simply because someone is giving them the attention they should have received from their parents.

To be continued....

So...

2006-05-25T21:59:00.000-07:00

A couple of friends of mine Holly G.; http://rockintheboat.bravejournal.com and ShadowBear C.; http://that-loony-yid.blogspot.com have each posted comments on their blogs with regards to what I have been discussing on mine.

And while they both agree something needs to be done to curb/stop all forms of abuse (child/spousal/sexual/emotional), we still find a problem. They agree there should be parenting classes, as do I.

However, that is where the agreement stops. While I have proposed some sort of testing program to help not necessarily weed out the prospective parents who are found to be a high risk to abuse their children, but to find a solution before they and their children or spouse become another statistic, both Holly and ShadowBear have opposed that.

Which leaves me wondering how many more innocent victims of abuse must suffer before society as a whole says "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH." By choosing to remain with our heads buried in the sand and figure it is someone else's problem to deal with, IMHO I feel we are no better than Hitler's Elite SS Troops who were responsible for depriving the Jewish population of the right to live during the Holocaust, or the Serbians who murdered Muslim Men and Boys during their war in Bosnia or the Hutu's in Rwanda or the guerillas responsible for the mess in Darfur, Sudan.

Watching a two-part episode with Nobel Prize winning author Elie Wiesel on Oprah, (yesterday and today), I am struck by a very ironic statement that was made at the liberation of the concentration camp known as Auschwitz-Birkenau. The liberators and the governments of the day all said "Never again should something like the Holocaust be allowed to happen." Unfortunately Abusive relationships are still being allowed to happen just like the various groups doing ethnic cleanising are still at it. Women and children are being systemically beaten, tortured and in some cases starved to death, while society as a whole sits back and wrings its collective hands and says "What can we do to change it?"

Until we dig our heads out of the sand and say "ENOUGH!!!" and start talking and taking back the power from the abusers, nothing will be accomplished, except for a lot more hand wringing, and a lot more potential from the young people (children) lost forever.

Exactly what I wanted

2006-05-22T20:58:00.000-07:00

A friend left a comment on my blog yesterday. What he wanted to say how ever was too long to put in so he used his blog and then linked it through the comment section. His opinion is assisting me to achieve exactly what I wanted, a dialogue about how to defeat abuse once and for all.

My intention in my post yesterday and tonight's one is to get people talking and make them aware of the tell tale signs of abuse. The more we as a society take a stand and fight back, the less power the abusers have.

Having read it, I can understand where some people might have the idea that the plan I am proposing may result in the loss of a future Dr. Stephen Hawking or Ludwig Von Beethoven.

How do we as a society know that we have not lost them already with the deaths of children, abused and neglected each year.

I also note that what I am proposing is rather a drastic step, however I see no other way to stop the cycle of abuse than trying to come up with a workable solution.

So using my suggestion about a pre-screening test for all prospective parents and take it one step further. You have a couple newly married and wanting to start a family. The test is administered and low and behold, there's a problem. The bride's results indicate she might harm her child either before it is born or after, the test's can't narrow down the field.

Pretending to be this lady's OB-GYN, I would sit both prospective parents down in my office, explain the test results and then with cooperation from both prospective parents, come up with a plan that would enable not only the prospective mother, but teach the prospective father the warning signs to look for. And then in 6 months (minimum) to 1 year (maximum), let them retake the test and if they both pass recommend them as being suitable for parenthood.

I guess what I am trying to say is this, there are no reasons on earth for people who wish to become parents as long as the few who may inadvertently tar and feather that group are helped and given the life skills they need to stop the cycle of abuse, once and for all.

Why????

2006-05-21T18:34:00.000-07:00

This is something I will never understand. Men and women of all races and faiths fall in love, get married and decide to have children. Then for whatever reason, husbands beat up wives, wives beat husbands (in certain cases). But the most despicable act of all is when parents (either both together or single parents) deny young children the basic neccessities of life; beat the crap out of older children and in some cases, because the children have chosen to defy the parents on something, the children are killed, even though those children are now full grown adults. Or the parents are going through a messy divorce and one parent to spite the other, kills the children and then himself/herself.

Oh yes it happens. Think Susan Smith, Andrea Yates in the US. And in the countries of India and Pakistan with the practice of arranged marriages, it happens more than we in the West ever know. And we call ourselves a civilized society. What's so civilized about killing off the next generation of people.

And the judicial system lets parents off by saying they are mentally ill. Give me a break. If they were so mentally ill, why didn't someone stop them from becoming parents in the first place. And that's what society needs to do, figure out a way to stop or at least teach those adults who wish to become parents what that job entails.

I mean come on, we have medical tests which will tell us the sex of the unborn baby; whether that unborn baby has a serious medical condition that requires immediate medical intervention. Why are there no policies in place for spotting people who might be dangerous as parents. We owe it to ourselves and the generations that follow to find this cure for abuse and nip it in the bud.

And in the Muslim community, we need to teach that just because a child wants to choose his/her own partner (yes the killing does apply to male children in the Muslim world as well), doesn't mean that they are a disgrace or a disappointment to the family. Rather it should signal a new beginning. A 21st century beginning. Arranged marriages should be made illegal. We in the Western World are allowed to choose who we fall in love with and marry. Shouldn't everybody have that choice.

All we as a so-called civilized society are doing is perpetuating the acceptance of child abuse, and murder. Because no matter what age we are, we are still the children of the people who conceived us and brought us into this world.

More on this in the days to come

Well, what do you know...

2006-05-20T19:34:00.000-07:00

I have stepped into the 21st century. I'm finally blogging.

Welcome everyone to the slush and mush pile. I named my blog this, because it will cover a range of topics, from my writing to looking after an elderly family member to anything which strikes me as interesting.

It may not be updated every day, but guaranteed, there will be days when I have a lot to say.

So sit back and enjoy